The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Ownursh!t 14 - The Six Phases of the Wanting Spiral

July 22, 2019 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Ownursh!t 14 - The Six Phases of the Wanting Spiral
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Ownursh!t 14 - The Six Phases of the Wanting Spiral
Jul 22, 2019
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

Do you keep expecting your loved ones to do or say things and they keep disappointing you?

That is probably because you are at the earlier stages of the wanting spiral: Wanting, Expecting, Demanding, Asking, Wishing, Baring. Come hear how to move upward in the wanting spiral in order to feel more understood, loved and differentiated. Examples are given from the clinic and my life about the different phases of the spiral and its consequences. Practical tips will send you up the spiral in no time!
Recorded live on FB.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

Do you keep expecting your loved ones to do or say things and they keep disappointing you?

That is probably because you are at the earlier stages of the wanting spiral: Wanting, Expecting, Demanding, Asking, Wishing, Baring. Come hear how to move upward in the wanting spiral in order to feel more understood, loved and differentiated. Examples are given from the clinic and my life about the different phases of the spiral and its consequences. Practical tips will send you up the spiral in no time!
Recorded live on FB.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Speaker 1:

Do you often get disappointed and frustrated from your loved ones. They're just not behaving in the way that you want. They don't give you the hug that they want. They don't give you enough affection. They don't want sex with you. And if they don't get your little hints and you constantly feel alone, then there's a high probability you are in the earlier phases of the one thing spiral. Hi, my name is Dr Sl Romanelli and today I'm going to talk to you about the six phases of the wanting to expire them. So we all feel vulnerable, we all don't want to be hurt . And we, most of us believe that wanting you're asking is scary. Cause if I asked for something or if I want it for something, I might get rejected and we don't want to be vulnerable and we don't want to get rejected. So we just protect ourselves. And we would probably, we inherited this from our parents, from the cultures that we grew up in, and I had a discovered in recent months is that there's a kind of a spiral of the wanting spiral that you can go up and you can go down depending on the energy into this, see differentiation, mood awareness that you have. I'm going to describe now the six phases of this want to expire. The first phase is wanting, it's internal. It's something that I want. I don't really share it either because I'm embarrassed or it's personal or I'm not really sure if that's what I want or I don't believe I can get it or I don't deserve it. Some it's inside . I might even feel like, Ooh , I wish I had this after the one thing, after a while , this one turns into expectation. It's phase two. I'm expecting, I'm expecting my part , Ryan to share it, but I'm expecting any normal partner, anybody who loves me would anybody who's decent, anyone who's normal would understand that. And then I start opening a tab and I started writing down kind of where my partner, my loved one is disappointing, and then my partner over time feel like they're sort of in this test, this constant test that I need to do. Does she want a hug now I did actually this, this expected kind of forces us into my ingredient , right? There's this expectation for, we call this symbiosis, right? Like in the initial, in the initial CBO sis with our mom, she knows she knew everything about us. We just cry and she knew it . Food , we're hungry or at the change a diaper. And most of us have this fantasy of going back to some guided relationships. So expectation is like the modern day expression of that early fantasy. And I see this all the time in the clinic. I just a while back, this woman said to me, I wish my husband would just know that I want to hug. He could just feel it. So she has this expectation of this intimacy, of the warmth and her partner keeps disappointing her again and again cause she's not verbalizing it. She doesn't want to get hurt, she doesn't get rejected, but she's expecting it. And every time he doesn't give her the hug too, she's marking that off. The tabs are always open. So the third phase after I'm expecting is demanding. So I get really frustrated. She, he or she, they're not giving me what I wanted. So I started to get angry or really, really hurt and I demanded at you need to do this, you must do this right now. You must give me the hug. You ask to have sex with me. Now we have to go out, never taking me out that Dah Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. The problem is with this, once you demand, you're going to lose lose because if your partner does it, you're drunk . You're not sure if they're doing it because they want to it . Cause I'm scared of you. And even if they do give you what you want, it's not a real fulfillment because it's not, didn't come from them. You had a demand for it. Why do I have to ask you for a hug? Why do I have to initiate sex ? You've never initiated sex by yourself and the other thing, and if you demand it, there's also high probability that your partner won't give it to you. So purpose you won't give it to you, so they're going to go passive aggressive and either ignore it or purposely go against your bit. Once you go over there . The fourth phase is asking, I'm using my words. I am directly asking for what I want. There's tons of literature about asking a nonviolent communication for this book language and the pursuit of happiness. They have a , it has a whole chapter about how to ask and the specific parameters of asking, but actually I'm going to go, I actually want to go one phase higher. By the way, when I'm saying asking, when I'm asking my partner for something, I'm letting go of this symbiotic fantasy and I'm just gonna just go directly and ask for what I want and the sentence I teach my kids, if you don't ask, the answer's no. So for me, I'm an age encouraging them to ask, ask her what they want. Worst case they'll get it. No, but it's better than not asking . The fifth phase is wishing once me and my partner and my loved ones are solid enough and differentiated enough and then we've managed to be differentiated . If there were not so reactive, I can actually share my wishes with my partner. I wish for more intimacy or a wish to be seen and celebrated more. And when I wish, I'm not expecting, it's not an Arrow that I'm expecting you to fulfill it, but it's a wish. That's my wish. It's like a vertical. It's a vertical wish that I'm sharing with you. And that requires both partners to be very, very solid and very, very confident and clear. And I feel like the last phase of that is bearing is bearing the need so I can actually share with my partner when they're feeling solid enough , feeling solid, a need or a pain I have, I'm opening up and I'm letting them see with no expectation. I'm not expecting to do anything. I don't even feel this or heal my pain. I just want them to see it. And one of David's Schnoz, his definition of intimacy is meeting oneself in the presence of other, so that six phase of the wanting spiral is almost a , you could say it in certain ways. It's the most intimate and it's a spiral because from bearing the need I can connect to my want, cause a wad is usually from something from the knee . There's a certain pain, a certain lack or gap, and I want something to fulfill that. So we have the six phases, wanting, expecting, demanding, asking, wishing, bearing. I want to give two examples, quick examples of how this looks like. So when I finished my doctorate at whether my wife to read it, but I didn't really ask it to kind of place the dissertation on her desk and just waited, waited for her to read it and I would food check from that then check if she even moved the pages cause I put it on the abstract page and I was expecting and I was keeping tabs and every single day she wasn't reading day after day, week after where you can strip suddenly obviously I didn't ask her directly, but when I finally rubbed it , I went into , man , why aren't you reading this? I was like, I moved between being assaulted with demanding her that she reads this and how can, how dare you? And she said, I don't need to read it. I live it. And that was a huge rub during our marriage and later on when I started doing these podcasts, I realized that can I demand her to watch it? I can ask her, but actually much more efficient if I just share with her my wish or even my just bearing my need and I kind of change the discourse around these videos and these episodes and kind of opening up the next to her. I stopped asking her to watch. I said, this is where I am. These are the thoughts I'm thinking about, or here's my wish for this content to be accepted. And I remember the first time I saw her share an episode on Facebook without me asking, there was such a sense of joy, none joy, but I really felt loved and celebrated and I feel for me, that was example that managed to go , go up, spiral up to kind of the fifth or sixth phase. And from there I felt she really heard me and she chose to do a , an action that was coming from her.

Speaker 2:

Okay .

Speaker 1:

So I'm practical tips, how you can spiral up on these phases. The first thing is choose one area and one of your relationships that you're constantly feeling frustrated with. You're constantly feeling, I'm disappointed that your partner is not feeling you. And I'm supplying you with that need that you have without you even asking for it. Once you recognize that, share with them . This episode happened , listened to this, so it's the same language. Then try moving. One step up in the wanting skills , so if you're expecting go to demanding but from demanding, go to asking. If you've asked, go to wishing if you've wished could a bearing and just share that in. Prepare your partner to just listen. Having just land. They don't have to do anything and have them breathe after you're going to share, especially if it's a wish or if you're burying your need. You will feel kind of this very naked, very vulnerable, and you'll want to shy away just staying. Then he'd allow yourself to stay open. Have them let that land. Both of you hold that crucible, that intimate, awkward, hot, vulnerable place and just breathe and forgive yourself for the unavoidable sliding down the scale, sliding down the spiral. It's going to happen from time to time. You're going to have this amazing moment of wishing and then you're gonna find yourself expecting on a different front. You're going to go from demanding to asking, forgive yourself. We're human. That's why it's a spiral. We spiral up, we spiraled down. We're constantly in the state of flux, and over time, if you dare to scale up the spiral, you will be noticing your relationships are becoming more intimate, more safe, more differentiated, where you can open and meet yourself in the presence of your loved one again, nick , Danny , and that might make you feel less lonely and more left. My name is Dr Solo Nellie , and this was the potential state. I'll see you next time.