The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

OWNURSH!T 32 - Block Your Exits in order to Grow

March 29, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 32 - Block Your Exits in order to Grow
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 32 - Block Your Exits in order to Grow
Mar 29, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

We all want to be free to be ourselves in the world and in our relationships. Yet without blocking our exists, we will ultimatly repeat the same behavoirs and facades (relational business cards) that we usually use. This "negative" freedom actually prevents us from maturing and expanding our relational repertiore. In this talk, I expalin the concepts of positive and negative freedoms and why blocking our exists can help us grow. 
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. 
Practical tips will help you consciously block your own exists within your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

We all want to be free to be ourselves in the world and in our relationships. Yet without blocking our exists, we will ultimatly repeat the same behavoirs and facades (relational business cards) that we usually use. This "negative" freedom actually prevents us from maturing and expanding our relational repertiore. In this talk, I expalin the concepts of positive and negative freedoms and why blocking our exists can help us grow. 
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. 
Practical tips will help you consciously block your own exists within your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

speaker 0:   0:00
we don't like to be blocked. We don't like for people to deny certain parts of ourselves or to tell us not to behave in a certain way. We want to feel free. But the fact is, the real psychological and relational growth happens when you're exits are blocked when your greatest hits are denied. And today I'm gonna show you why you are listening to the potential state podcast with your host, Dr Assail Romanelli. Hi, my name is Dr Cell Romanelli and this is the potential state. And today we're ownership 30 to a lack your exits in order to grow. So we want to free to express ourselves. But let's talk a little bit about freedom and we can use the Isaiah Berlin concept of positive and negative freedom or positive negative liberty. So negative liberty or negative freedom is the absence off obstacles or barriers. I'm free to do whatever I want to say. Whatever I want. Positive liberty or positive freedom is when Frieda I'm acting in a way within the limitations that I take upon myself and realizing my fundamental purpose. So if you can think about it being single and only telling what to do. It's a negative liberty, right? Being in a committed, intimate relationships is a positive liberty to find a way to be free within those limitations. So the problem is, is that often most what I've realizes people don't really care about your liberty in the sense that they're happy. If you do the usual business card, the usual dynamic, the usual facade you break. Most of the people in your life are happy with whatever answer you. Would they ask you? How you doing? You're saying fine 19.9, and people will be happy with that. That's taken to do a dynamic when you smoke screen when you avoid. When you deny, usually they won't call you on it, but just let it go. I call that an exit and exit from actually meeting yourself from actually stepping in meeting yourself, holding onto yourself. And if you're thinking about changing, how do you grow? You grow by taking ownership about different parts of yourself. But how can even take ownership the only way you could take ownership if you start blocking your usual defense mechanisms and actually watching yourself in meeting yourself. So Robert McKee talks about the law of creative limitation about were actually more creative when were limited. So you think about a relationship in an intimate, committed relationships. I have less negative liberties and more positive liberties and more chance to focus on and be there. So how I've realized more and more in recent years is that my job is a therapist as a teacher, as a partner as a parent is to block exits, but in the sense of helping people or not cooperating with people's defense mechanisms, not cooperating with people's smokescreens than denying or minimizing associating. I'm like blocking that. That's a couple of therapists I do all the time. I meet people. I say, Wait, stop. Why are you saying that? What's underneath that? Talk to me in numbers, the Holy Trinity of blocking. I keep calling people on their relational business cards and try to get the more I'm reminding you the concept of respect the client but don't respect his business card, which basically means black his exit, how you grow, helping bring in different shade of himself. And most people are not fortunate to have a partner that blocks their exits and wants more. I'm not talking about complaining. I'm talking about a part of that really wants to see him grow the once you expand your repertoire. So there's this couple I worked with a while back, and every time they reach pain, it feels heard in pain. There was like a the really go sarcastic and change of topic. And then what I realized is it took me a while to realize it. That's their exit. The exit is through sarcasm. So after a while I just stopped that I named it and I stopped us it. Don't go sarcastic. Stay in this last moment. Staying the heat. Don't be afraid of that. Oh, or is the director is a teacher. When people are improvising like don't go again to the cute stay is the angry character we'll really lose right now on stage, because people have certain places where they don't go to whether it's feelings, behaviors, statements or even in my marriage. Go lead. Oftentimes we'll we'll. We'll say we're blocking my exit when she sees him, I'm getting insulted or retreating. She'll actually say, Wait, don't do that. Come, stay close, bringing on moving and mix it up. Mix it up that's what we sail in size. Mix it up enough. If that. Let's next. Next. So what we want, basically, is that reframe this idea and I want of a block. I want people in my life to block my greatest hits to block my relational business cards in order to force me to grow to give me the positive liberty of off evolving. So how do we do? That first thing is stopping afraid of being caught stopping, afraid of exposing your defense mechanisms, your smokescreens? Why? Because the quicker you do that and you share that and you call yourself out, the faster people can block that. And why would you want a black? Because you want experience a writer repertoire because you want as you mature an age and get deeper and why she would bring more and more ability self states, feelings, energies, behaviors. You wanna have more of that? The only way you can do it is by being aware of it and in blocking it another way, you do it. You revealed your partner your greatest escapes, your greatest defense mechanisms or smokescreens. So, for instance, I, for instance, for me, right when I when I answer immediately. A lot of times it means I didn't even listen to you. The second I tell that to you and I share that with someone. Okay? I'm actually saying to them when I do that, I don't believe what I'm saying. Ask me for more. Okay. So often times part of my job is a therapist to help people see their defense mechanism there, smokescreens and call them on and help enlarge it. And this comes to the idea of make your partner the best therapist you have ever had. What I mean by that I mean, give them all of your greatest hits, let them have it and then help them block you when you go there and direct you to a new repertoire. Have you staying the heat? Help you not diffuse, manipulate, twist them, help them block you so you can grow. And when you're called out, let it land. Stay open. Staying the heat. And after you are, model that enough times and you're actually doing And you could black your partner and your loved ones. You can say Let's make set up. You always go to the victim mode. Try something different and you'll slowly start feeling in a visceral level. The joy. It's a It's a sweet and sour feeling because the joy but also getting blacked, which is kind of an aggression. But it's also it's like finally, something new we're all creating for someone to see beyond the facade beyond the the whatever I give them the casual answers, some re looking to me to say what it's really happening and what's happening next to that. What's behind that mechanism? Why you doing that? I never thought about that one. Try something else. We're craving for them, then fine places where people are gonna keep you accountable. They're calling on your shit. They're not gonna let you just do the things you're always done, whether it's family, friends, men's circles, women's groups, artistic groups, wherever it is, surround yourself with people that were block will call your bluff and block your exits and hopefully over time that's gonna keep you accountable and growing and curious and you will have less. You waste less time in self presentation and more in self disclosure in south exposure and growth and vitality and agency. So blocker exits if you really want to grow. My name is Dr Cell Romanelli, and this was the potential state You've been listening to the potential state podcast. For more information, visit us at potential ST dot com and thank you for listening.