The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

OWNURSH!T 33 - Love is Positive Freedom, so keep coming out!

April 12, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 33 - Love is Positive Freedom, so keep coming out!
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 33 - Love is Positive Freedom, so keep coming out!
Apr 12, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

What is love?
This is my current definition of love:

"Love it the positive freedom to bring my different self-states, within the creative limitations of an intimated, committed, long-term relationship."

In this talk, I explain this definition of love and how it can help you create relationships where you are free to be yourself, while growing and being open to your partner.
Examples are given from the couple therapy clinic and from my personal life. Practical tips will help you shape your relationship to be full of positive freedom.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

What is love?
This is my current definition of love:

"Love it the positive freedom to bring my different self-states, within the creative limitations of an intimated, committed, long-term relationship."

In this talk, I explain this definition of love and how it can help you create relationships where you are free to be yourself, while growing and being open to your partner.
Examples are given from the couple therapy clinic and from my personal life. Practical tips will help you shape your relationship to be full of positive freedom.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

speaker 0:   0:00
What is love for you? How would you define love? Give it a second. Love is and I want to share with you today My fats and love is freedom. I want to tell you why not. Only love is freedom but why you should keep coming out again and again with your truth in your relationships. You are listening to the potential state podcast with your host Dr Assail Romanelli. Hi, My name is Dr Cell Romanelli and this is the potential state. And today we're ownership 33. Love is positive freedom, So keep coming out. So I'm in Montreal doing this talk and somebody's asked me what is love and it suddenly realized that No, I never talk about loving the clinic. I talk about communication and sex and affairs and trauma and anger and aggression. But I never talked about love and then to this answer came up for me. It was freedom, freedom to be myself, freedom to bring different self states, different parts of myself. And I was thinking about that more and more than I remembered Isaiah Berlin's conceptualization of liberty. Of the two types of liberty or two types of freedom, the first is the negative liberty. Negative liberty is the absence of constraints. I'm free to do whatever I want. And positive liberty is living according to my own values that to restraint, that I put upon myself to be closer to my truth. We spoke about that in Black Your Exits episode. Check that out. So love is away. It is a positive liberty. I'm entering a committed, long term relationship. I'm taking upon myself the constraints of the limitations of being in relationships. But I want to aim to be free. I want to aim to be myself, to live according to my values. So therefore, love becomes a positive freedom to bring different self states different parts of myself within the creative limitations of a committed, intimate relationship. And the live creative limitations comes from Robert Magee and he talks about. We are more creative when we're having limits on it. The more we're limited, the more created we could be in a certain area or spear. So the creative limitations of a relationship actually absolutely be even more creative, even more open because it requires me to be more and more precise, more and more leaping to freedom coming out again and again with my truth, even if it's not nice, even if I'm embarrassed of it, even if I'm ashamed of it. Like bring a Brown says right. The antidote for a shame, is saying it out loud. Is contextualizing demystifying sharing? Opening it up? Have a communication about that? And if you can build a relationship where you are coming out with your truth and your partner stays there with you in the heat, it's almost like a Mario brothers Where you kind of you being being being and you open up to a new level that is the next level of your relationship, the next level of relationship, where you were actually excited to share new things we're discovering about yourself or new truths about your relationship, even if they're not nice. I want to give a few examples, was working with a couple a while back, and he became self employed. It was a tough man, and then he slowly he allowed himself finally to say it took a few months. I'm scared of becoming self employed and I don't feel so confident and him and him losing, and I need you more and he dared say that. And then she was taking in, and then it felt like she had this huge secret and she was holding her mouth. And I found that it just saying that. She says, I'm afraid of a weak man and she said it as if she she confessed a crime or a murder. And there was a moment of silence in the room, and he smiled and I got very emotional, and we realized that she's coming out with a big truth that she's been holding on the secret. And he smiled and he knew that. He said her. I know this. He didn't run away. He wasn't insulted. And there was a moment there were. She felt a freedom. She that she opened up another dimension in Mario Brothers. In this new world, she could say that there's a sense of openness that obviously there was Shane there. But there's also openness and the possibility. Suddenly like, well, I can say that out loud. I can come out in my relationship and say to my partner, I'm afraid they're going to a weak man and from there we can start working. I was once working with the pregnant woman. We're doing one on one session, and then she said something like, I'm not sure I want to have this baby I just wanted and she couldn't verbalize it anywhere else was ashamed of that. But the second she said it, something opened up between us. There's an opening and a deep validation and need not to say anything. And I think e I see this all the time, right in my own marriage with Khalid, like, we feel more and more comfortable to share things like you have bad breasts like, I don't like this dish that you're cooking like it pisses me off that you always you know, you always wash your face and there's tons of water all over the second. You can say that in a way, not as a jab, not with anger, but actually say these things. And the second week in stayed. In a sense, that's not accusing. It's just I just want to share this with you. I don't open this up. I want to send feel a sense of freedom because too many of us are living and with a facade that even in our own marriage even in our own house, I have to walk on eggshells. I cannot be myself. And that creates tension. And, um, you just get frustrated and bitter and become cynical cause you're always smiling. You're always holding back things, but actually, partner feels that you might have stayed up. So a few tips how to do this first not share this episode with your partner and create a culture where you can playfully express different parts of herself. Play is a loop of life. Refer to that episode. So how could I bring these little these these little truths or these little things that I'm feeling in a playful way? The way I could do that is the on my shed, not see it as a jabbing say, I want to share with you some stuff. Some things were coming up for me. Prepare your partner not to react there, not to do anything without it. It's not their fault. It's not the responsibility. Okay, we refer back to the episode, you're not responsible for your partner's feelings and then dared to share their to share. Start with small little things. Things have been holding back their little small things but just open that up right after your share. You'll find this the two things we're gonna Russian like, his sense of a little bit of shame and embarrassment. Also, this openness and relief. And then you keep coming out again and again and again and again, your credit culture, where both of you can celebrate when one of you is sharing something, something that's a about themselves, about the relationship they have never shared before, whether it's good or bad, because if I'm free to say negative things about the relationship things that don't like and I'm reminding you 70% of your problems are unsolvable, they'll be more. I'll be more open to share positive. Fix about the relationship, and that's in. Keep your guys curious about each other, cause too many couples are curious about each other the more they think they know everything about their partner. But they don't know because they don't ask in. Apartments feel comfortable sharing cause there sure that if they share that they don't like the other partners cooking that specific dish that'll be insulted. But no, let's talk about that so we can laugh about this. We can move on so we can have more and more freedom. So our house becomes a place of freedom of playground instead of a place where I need to still be dressed up like my work suit. And that increases your level of differentiation, which is being more yourself in Warren relationship. So come out to your partner and remember that love is a positive. Is the positive liberty of bringing your different self states within. The creative limitations have a committed, long term intimate relationship. My name is Dr Several Minelli, and this was the potential state You've been listening to the potential state podcast. For more information, visit us at potential ST dot com and thank you for listening.