The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

OWNURSH!T© 34 - Don't forgive yourself for forgetting in relationships.

April 19, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T© 34 - Don't forgive yourself for forgetting in relationships.
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T© 34 - Don't forgive yourself for forgetting in relationships.
Apr 19, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

Do you have a dynamic in your relationship where one partner always forgets (for different reasons) and the other always remembers and has to remind their partner what happened? If so, this dynamic prevents the couple from becoming more intimate and equal.
In this episode I share why some partners cleave to the "forgetting" business card and the price both partner pay in this rigid, dichotomous dynamic.
This is shown through examples from the clinic with real couples.
Practical tips will help you soften this forgetting/remembering split in your intimate relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

Do you have a dynamic in your relationship where one partner always forgets (for different reasons) and the other always remembers and has to remind their partner what happened? If so, this dynamic prevents the couple from becoming more intimate and equal.
In this episode I share why some partners cleave to the "forgetting" business card and the price both partner pay in this rigid, dichotomous dynamic.
This is shown through examples from the clinic with real couples.
Practical tips will help you soften this forgetting/remembering split in your intimate relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

speaker 0:   0:00
do you or your partner? Forget things. You're constantly forgetting anniversaries, birthdays, fights, arguments, promises and the other part of members everything and becomes like describe that needs to remind their partner everything. If so, you want a dance that is limiting and hurting the intimacy in your relationship. And today I'm going to tell you how to soften that dynamic. You are listening to the potential state podcast with your host, Dr Assail Romanelli. Hi, my name is Dr Cell Romanelli and this is the potential state. And today we're on your shit. 34. Don't forgive yourself for forgetting in relationships, So why do people constantly forget as Children? We used a defense mechanism of forgetting or dissociation or repression to kind of not remember trauma, not remember things you don't want to remember. That's a very early defense mechanism. It's very, very efficient, but it's very total when it erases, it, erases it. And then what happens is when we enter ah, romantic relationship, an intimate relationship with that dynamic. Without business card without defense mechanism, we're creating a dense where I'm always gonna forget and you are gonna always gonna have to remember. So why would you people do that when you gain from constantly forgetting. First of all, it releases you from responsibility cause you don't remember you avoid conflict. You deflect heat. You're always innocent. I don't remember. I don't remember. I promised you that I don't remember that fight. I remember how How angry I was it yesterday. I don't remember it. So we have also being passive aggressive that way I don't remember the promises I gave would remember your anniversary or your birthday and it helps me stay upstairs. Refer back to the upstairs downstairs Parenting episode. I'm upstairs. I have less responsibilities. I was expecting the astronaut on the 80 HD, the one that doesn't remember anything. But what do you pay for? The cost is high because over time you become small and reactive. It's almost pathetic because you don't remember. So what's the point? There's no point to share or lean on you or consult with you or confiding because you will remember that over time it becomes a one narrative relationship. Your partner holds that narrative and you're dependent on her narrative. Why is that a problem? Because if you're constantly forgetting somebody, it's always remember and you're turning your partner's slowly settle into that scribe who needs to remember everything and remind everything, and he or she needs to state concrete and they need to stay. Have the and nit picking and anal sometimes and always reminding you think there's bitterness because they always remember everything you can't let go. They can't just loosen up and go upstairs. And usually that also kind of gives the color to their narrative because their narratives, they're usually going to be that there. Right? And you're wrong that there in the good and you're in the fat. When you try to challenge that, I'm going to say, But you don't remember anything. Don't pretend like you suddenly remember. And that is a lethal dance that creates a kind of a mother child dynamic or a father daughter dynamic or an adult child. Dynamic, intimate relationships. So how does that look? So a while back I was working with this couple and he had a really rough childhood, so you just forgot everything and in his marriage, what happens is over 20 years is that he became the child itself facing child. It wasn't really relevant, and his wife had to hold all the memories and he couldn't challenge her. And we tried Teoh because his role was the forgetting he couldn't really challenge. It wasn't it wasn't egalitarian. Relationship wasn't a gallon Syrian discussion, so he kept retreating to being upstairs. But the price was pain, that he was not being respected. He was seen as an airhead, kind of just floating up, not really connected, not really caring, not really involved or different couple I was working with a few years ago. That one that would describe his narrative was always that his partner was pathetic and childish at any time. The childish, pathetic partner tried to challenge You says you don't remember that. Don't you remember that You said this and that and the kind of in the forget the forgetful partner kept saying, Oh, you're right, you're right, Captain. Losing confidence, but that lock them into this dynamic where one was the childish and pathetic and the other one was the mature. And it was the one narrative relationship of the mature one that one. So how do you change that? First of all, share this episode with your partner and see it. Do you have this dichotomy where one forgets of one remembers, make a short list when you gain, when you lose from forgetting or from remembering. And if you have more gains and losses, that by all means continue. But if the price you're paying for forgetting all the time for being the astronaut in your relationship is heavy than it's time to change, how do you do that? You fight to remember? I'm assuming that you have the cognitive abilities to remember things, and it's just a habit or a defense mechanism that that's gone too far. Started writing down good things, bad things, happy moments, angry moments and start bringing all those things into your relationship. Start challenging your partners. Start fighting them and it positively for a joint narrative for two narrative relationship. Do not expect the applause. They're gonna be ruptures and push backs. But over time you guys can slowly shape a joint narrative that both of your partners, the burden, the responsibility off holding the relationship is going to be share, which allow your partner to go up sometimes and to be more light and playful and happy. You'll be sharing a deeper intimacy, so don't forgive yourself for forgetting. Fight to Remember, My name is Dr Several Minelli and this was the potential state You've been listening to the potential state podcast. For more information, visit us at potential ST dot com and thank you for listening.