The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

The key to your joy is in your pain.

June 14, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
The key to your joy is in your pain.
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
The key to your joy is in your pain.
Jun 14, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

Most of us try to avoid deep feelings of pain, anguish, and despair.
Yet by blocking those dark feelings (which I call the 1-3 feelings) you are also blocking your ability to feel deep ecstasy, joy, and elation.

In this talk, I explain why the key to your deep joy is in your pain, through examples from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical tips will help you gently explore your pain to re-connect to profound joy.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

Most of us try to avoid deep feelings of pain, anguish, and despair.
Yet by blocking those dark feelings (which I call the 1-3 feelings) you are also blocking your ability to feel deep ecstasy, joy, and elation.

In this talk, I explain why the key to your deep joy is in your pain, through examples from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical tips will help you gently explore your pain to re-connect to profound joy.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Speaker 1:

Do you try to shy away from pain? And I feel that visceral feeling of anguish if so you are also blocking her up Trinity and your ability to feel deep joy. And today I'm going to tell you why and how to stop that.

Speaker 2:

You are listening to the potential state podcast with your host, dr. Sail Romanelli.

Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is dr salmonella and this is a potential state. And today we're gonna talk about the key to your joy is in your pain. So the emotional range is from one to 10 that's the metaphor you use on one of the lower numbers is like one would be like the deepest despair, helplessness and grief. And then 10 would be the Nirvana and ecstasy and really, really deep joy. Most of us have this core belief that pain is bad, whether if I let them , if I feel pain, I will just crumble, I will collapse, I will die. So what we do is we block the one to three feelings, those dark despair, the deep pain, the anguish, the helplessness. But the problem is when we block that, which we're blocking, so we don't feel it, what we're actually doing, we're blocking the seven to 10 it's symmetrical. But what happens is we end up with with a very narrow emotional range from, I call it the four to six, right? Most of us are somewhere in the four to six. Where that actually leads to is a very narrow emotional range, a very shallow effect . As we say, some boredom, loneliness, a loss of vitality. But more than that, when people are in our lives and because we're four to six, we don't have a wide emotional range. They don't feel so close to us. There's less energy, there's less intimacy, there's less empathy. And the others feel like they don't really feel us because we're not really going, we're not really expressing our full human range. Refer to the , the episode on feelings is what makes us human. So how do we, and we all want to feel more joy , right? And we're ecstasy. So how do we open the seven to 10 we opened the one to three and how do we do that? We feel the pain. I have a client, she says, you want to stay in the storm and what you do is need to open yourself up to the one to three open up to the, to the pain, to the fear, to the anguish, to the depression and stop running away. Terry real talks about that. We're all running away from our Cobra depression. We're running from the pain, from whatever we've inherited and those of us have looked, turned around and look at it and let it hit us. Our relational heroes. I want to give you two quick examples on how to do it. So I was once working with this woman and she was Bulletproof from a very young age. She didn't lie , let pain, and she had a rough childhood, so she just shut everything down. The problem was is that it worked. It worked so well that she survived and Excel, but she never felt real intimacy, real pleasure, real joy, real, real excitement because she blocked the one, two, three and also blocked a seven to 10 and for me personally, in the beginning of the Corona epidemic , I was just blocking, blocking the pain and the anxiety and the fear, and then I said, you know what? I'm just going to let it in. And it took an evening and I just let it in and I just collapsed. I physically collapsed on the carpet. I started crying. I just slept . All the fears and anxiety and despair and helplessness, just radish me. Luckily my wife was there and she held the space. She didn't try to fix me or heal me, and by just surrendering to it the following morning, there was this calmness and softness. The seventh of 10 opened, right? That opened so I could access that the following day. So here are some tips how to do it. Again, I'm not talking about mental illness or when it's , it's when it's, when it's when it's really heavy or even pathological for most of us. The one to three will not kill us. The one to three will actually help us feel the seven to 10 and the one to three is also part of being human. So how do we do this? First of all, share this episode. Have a common language with your partner and your loved ones so they can understand cause we usually what happens when you bring the one to three people immediately want to fix us. Keyless , cheer us up. Nobody likes the one to three feelings. So share the episode, examine your core belief. Do you have core beliefs that pain is bad, where the pain equals collapse or pain equals death. See that still serves you. Then create a safe, safe enough space with our therapist, partner, friend, colleague, mentor, where you can safely explore the one, two , threes. For some of us, there's this fear, fear that if I feel the one, two , three I'm going to collapse and stop functioning. For most of us, that is not true. So create a space where you can feel that and then just allow yourself to collapse into the one to three perhaps you also want to physically collapse, lie on the carpet, hug a pillow, do what you need to do with . Let that in , let that ravage through you and then remember that feelings will pass. Feelings will pass their sensations. They come and they go, so if you don't see attached to them, don't get locked to them, they will move on. And then after you've experienced that once or twice, allow yourself to bring those shades into your conversation with your loved ones. This will be will require you to prepare them to not jump into reaction to not, it may lead to try to fix it or heal it. Help them and an acid just to be there. Just to let you meet yourself in their presence that you explore the one to three shades, one to three, the one to three shades and feelings that they'd just be there. And over time, if you open up the range from four to six, slowly to three to seven, and then to two to eight, you will feel a new sense of vitality, of congruence, of connection, of joy. People in your life will feel closer to you and you will finally be more alive. And I'll finish with Stevie wonder has an amazing song called joy inside my tears. He says, you put the joy inside my tears and I want to add to that. So allow the tears in the fears to release your full joy. So the key to joy is in your pain. My name is dr Sarah Minnelli and this was a potential state. I'll see you next time

Speaker 2:

you've been listening to the potential state podcast. For more information, visit us@potentialstate.com and thank you for listening.