The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Your wish is NOT my command

May 19, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Your wish is NOT my command
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Your wish is NOT my command
May 19, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

Many of us have a core belief that "your pain=my fault or responsibility". Over time this creates another core beilef that "my partner's wishes are my obligation."
Soon after, both partners avoid sharing their wishes and start egg-shelling around their partner.
This dynamic leads to a loss of play, potential state and a "playground" for you to hear yourself process out loud your dreams and fantasies.
In this talk, I explain how this dynamic develops and how to change it, through examples from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical examples will help you release yourself feeling commanded by your partner's wishes.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

Many of us have a core belief that "your pain=my fault or responsibility". Over time this creates another core beilef that "my partner's wishes are my obligation."
Soon after, both partners avoid sharing their wishes and start egg-shelling around their partner.
This dynamic leads to a loss of play, potential state and a "playground" for you to hear yourself process out loud your dreams and fantasies.
In this talk, I explain how this dynamic develops and how to change it, through examples from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical examples will help you release yourself feeling commanded by your partner's wishes.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Speaker 1:

Do you feel like your partner's wishes or your commands and when they share something they need or want, you have to jump up and fulfill it. If so, you're heading in the wrong direction in your relationship. And today I'm going to tell you why

Speaker 2:

you are listening to the potential state podcasts with your host, dr. Sail Romanelli.

Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is dr Sal Romanelli and this is a potential state and today we're going to talk about your wish is not my command. So a lot of us have this core belief that we grew up with, that your pain equals my responsibility or European equals my fault or your pain is something I need to do with, I need to deal with. Our fix then leads to a core belief that says, your wish is my command. If you want something, but I need to fulfill it. We inherit this from our families of origin and this really leads to the F to kind of like a the victim triangle. Why? Because if every time you share a wish or you share a pain, I need to do something, then they're always going to be the victim and I always need to be the savior. Or if I don't do it, I become the persecutor. So I become in this lose, lose and this results in a relationship where I don't want to share my wishes or my fantasies because I don't want her to feel like she needs to do it and she doesn't want to share with me. And then we stopped sharing. We stopped sharing our pain, we stopped sharing our wishes, we stopped sharing our dreams. We start egg showing around our partners. And then there's also not a place for you to actually say these things out loud. Cause many times I just want to share, I don't speak a lot on here myself . I want to hear these wishes so I can develop and say yes and to myself. And there's no playground for you in your relationship. There's no potential state, there's no play, there's no personal or relational growth. So what's the alternative? You create a culture where you can share your wishes or your part of the chair wishes and it's fine. Refer to the spiral of wanting episode. Again, we talked about that, so why don't I give you a example? A few years ago I was working with a couple and the wife said, I want to hear her. I want to hear my husband, I want to hear my husband. He finally shared some of his wishes and his visions for their marriage, for their family, and then she says not every wish needs to be verbalized, which was fascinating because she had a core belief. Her core belief was activated that, Oh my God, he's now starting to say what he wants finally after all these years. Now I'm going to have to do one, two, three and four, so because you got activated. She was like, stop that, but implicitly she's been saying it for years. That's why he doesn't share his wishes because she feels that if he actually will share, she would have to spring into action to fulfill all of those things. On the personal level. It took me many years to realize when my wife says something that you want or something that you wishes for, I don't have to immediately do it. I can just listen. I can just let her develop that and meet herself and reminding you, intimacy is meeting oneself , self in the presence of other, that's David Schnarch his definition. So how do we do this? Share this episode with your partner and reflect. If you have a core belief that, do you really believe that their pain is your responsibility or do you have a , do you a core belief that their wish is your command? They have to do it. You have to fulfill it or there's even an automatic guilt cause you know you're never going to fulfill that wish. So, Oh , I feel bad. And then choose to believe that by cutting the emotional , uh, umbilical cord between you're actually gonna be giving yourself and your partner an opportunity to grow and develop Sharice calls this grounded, responding and letting them meet themselves. Speak and express their wishes. They can , I can even encourage them to tell me more. And then what do you want and what's going to happen there like we do with children, right? Shouldn't say I want an ice cream. So you can say, how many creams would you want ? I don't have to agree with it. I want to let them express their wishes and take it all the way. We do this with kids all the time. So why aren't we doing this with our partners? Why aren't we doing this in our relationships? And before you share with it wishes, remind your partner to just let it land. They don't have to do something. They just ground themselves. Or when you're listening to them, just breathe. Let that land. Let them practice saying your wishes out loud. Say it. Create that in the world. Let them create that. Create an environment where you can meet yourself, where you can think as big as you want and as loud as you want. And that will be okay. And if you can lean and learn to practice grounded, responding, your wish will not become their command. Their wish will not be your command. And this wishful energy is just going to manifest into fulfilling itself in your life. My name is dr several Minnelli and this was the potential state. I'll see you next time

Speaker 2:

you've been listening to the potential state podcast. For more information, visit us@potentialstate.com and thank you for listening.