The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

"Give me more!" - Make a 'more' space in your life.

June 07, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
"Give me more!" - Make a 'more' space in your life.
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
"Give me more!" - Make a 'more' space in your life.
Jun 07, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

"There's no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone."

Do people in your life want more from you?
Are they excited and invested in your development and growth?
Most of us don't have a 'more' space in our lives where we are challenged to evolve and mature by the people around us.
In this talk I explain why having a 'more' space in your life will help you develop beyond your comfort zone.
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. Practical tips are given how to start creating a 'more' space in your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

"There's no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone."

Do people in your life want more from you?
Are they excited and invested in your development and growth?
Most of us don't have a 'more' space in our lives where we are challenged to evolve and mature by the people around us.
In this talk I explain why having a 'more' space in your life will help you develop beyond your comfort zone.
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. Practical tips are given how to start creating a 'more' space in your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Do people in your life want more from you, in a deep way to people in your life really are excited from your development and your growth. For most of us, we do not have that we do not have a more space. And today I'm going to tell you why and how you can change that.

You are listening to the potential state podcast

with your host, Dr. Assael. Romanelli.

Hi, my name is Dr. Assael. Romanelli. And this is the potential state and today we're going to talk about giving you more, create a more space in your life. So people in our lives are happy with us. We have a certain business card, the way we present ourselves that we are attractive and our lives are like us that way. And then what we call systems thinking there's homeostatic the systems in balance, and everybody's happy with their roles, even if they're complaining about your role, but that's still that's still in the dynamic that's still in the role. And what happens is people don't really Want You To change a deep change a second order change? Why? Because if you'll really change, you're going to force change on them. And if they do ask you to change or stop that certain behavior, it's usually a complaint or criticism. But it's not actually a deep curiosity to see where you're going to develop, evolve. So by not having more space, we're actually end up being more or less we do the same thing day in, day out day in day out, we develop our greatest hits, and that becomes kind of a self presentation the way I present myself, there's no excitement and meet where this leads to boredom, stagnation, unfulfilled Miss. And so what's the solution to this a more space? What does that mean? So, if we want to grow, we need to experience what Carl Whitaker talks about positive anxiety. So negative anxiety is a being overwhelmed, threatened, but positive anxieties when I'm feeling this an easiness when I'm at the edge of my comfort zone, when things are not familiar, where I'm not really sure when I'm being and we need to realize that positive Anxiety is part of being alive. Positive anxiety isn't as necessary when you grow because you're stepping out of your comfort zone. And remember, there's no growth in the comfort zone and there's no comfort in the growth zone, if you're gonna feel the positive anxiety, and you're gonna need a space, an environment or relationship where they push you beyond your comfort zone, beyond your defense mechanism towards somewhere new, somewhere that you don't know, for that refer to the block your exits episode. And this is going to require you to rewire your brain and soften that core belief that when somebody says to you more, that means you're not good enough, you have to soften then realize that more is an invitation to grow more as a celebration of who you are. I want to give a few examples. So my improv classes that I teach the sentence I say most often is more give me more. Bigger, louder, crazy. I want to see more of that. Raise your volume, be more physical. He spent more now opening it up stretching it and why can I do that? so easily because I'm not part of their system. Also in therapy, when I stretch them, I say give me more of that oftentimes, it's easier for me because I'm not part of the system. I'm not threatened if they grow, I'm not threatened if they're going to do a second order change. It is much harder for us to do this to our loved ones, to our kids, to our partners. But that's the other episode of why don't we be a little our partners and empower everybody else. And I remember one instance where deleting my wife said she want me to bring more of myself as a parents. And the beginning I was insulted. I felt like she was jabbing me or she was criticizing me. And maybe she was a little bit but her deep intention was praying more of who you are, bring the wealth of who you are, and the knowledge and the play, and the compassion and the psycho educational bring that. And when they could actually realize that she's not there to criticize her making small but she wants me to grow. She's giving me what I give other people that permission invitation celebration of my growth. And when I'm going to do something more, it's not going to come on nice all the time because I don't know how to do it, but At least you're going to be there to be a witness and a celebration and a cheerleader and a coach and an audience for me to grow. So how do you do that? First of all, share this episode so you have common language with people in your life. And then see how can I create an environment like that. Maybe you need to join a group or a course that stretches you maybe you need to come closer to a certain person who kind of sees you in a different way, and kind of challenges you for something else. Have a friend, a mentor, a therapist who's not threatened by your growth, help you say more help bring out more from you, ideally, would be your partner. But oftentimes, it's more challenging because your partner again, like I said before, they are because they're part of your system, they're threatened if you're going to really evolve to the next evolution of your there's going to be what we call a second order change, refer to the systematic change episode.

So find that person. Find that environment, find that class or that course and then being spaces where sometimes it helps to be in spaces where people don't know your history. So there's no expectation. For me that happened when I lived in London for two years. Nobody knew my background. And I could just explore and go into more and go into new into performing arts and kind of develop a whole new side of me. And I was surrounded by people who didn't know my past and they were just wanting to see more of what I can give. What else is there What else does so I have to give? wouldn't enjoy being in the beginners humility in the sense of like not knowing exactly how that goes? familiarize yourself with positive anxiety, reframe that as excitement reframe that as growth. And the sentence you can always say to yourself when someone says more, or can you do this? Or can you lead that say to yourself, or say out loud, Challenge accepted? Say that feel it, create spaces where people want more from you where you want more from people where you want more from the people you love. And remember, there's no comfort in the growth zone and there's no growth in the comfort zone.

My name is Dr. Assael Romanelli and this is the potential state. I'll see you You've been listening to the potential state podcast.

For more information, visit us at potential state.com.

And thank you for listening

Transcribed by https://otter.ai