The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

OWNURSH!T 37 - Your faults are welcome here.

May 31, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 37 - Your faults are welcome here.
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 37 - Your faults are welcome here.
May 31, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

We don't want to show our faults and shadows. We fear that people will hurt, reject, or leave us if they see how "pathetic" we are.
Therefore we create environments where you have to bring your "best self", which lead to self-presentation and shallowness. The result is atmospheres lack vitality, play, or growth.

In this talk I explain why creating spaces where faults are welcome can enhance and deepen your relationship.
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. 
Practical tips will help you create such open spaces in your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

We don't want to show our faults and shadows. We fear that people will hurt, reject, or leave us if they see how "pathetic" we are.
Therefore we create environments where you have to bring your "best self", which lead to self-presentation and shallowness. The result is atmospheres lack vitality, play, or growth.

In this talk I explain why creating spaces where faults are welcome can enhance and deepen your relationship.
Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life. 
Practical tips will help you create such open spaces in your relationships.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

We don't want to show our faults. We don't want people to see our shadow. Because we think that they're going to either leave us or reject us or hurt us. So we create these environments, we're fault are not welcome. We're only you only have to bring your best self. That's called self presentation. But that results in spaces that are not vital and are not playful and are not growth inducing. Today I'm going to show you how to create different kinds of spaces.

You are listening to the potential state podcast

with your host, Dr. Assael. Romanelli.

Hi, my name is Dr. Assael. Romanelli. And this is the potential then Today we're in ownership 37. Your faults are welcome here. So as I've said before, we hide our shadow, look at the shadow episode later. And we are used to defending ourselves and making sure that no one's going to see it. So we basically start running away repressing Secrets, our fault, our shadow, or shits, all those other traits that we don't like to see, we don't want to do it. But the price of that is that we keeps us reactive. And then we're egg shelling, and I'm always hiding and I don't I'm always as the anxiety that they're just going to find out any minute now. And they're going to leave me so there's almost like this, this fear, the fear and anxiety that's kind of that's kind of always there inside these environments in these relationships. So how do you solve that you create an environment where when new blind spots when shit or shadow or defense mechanisms are discovered, there's a celebration, there's an opening, there's an opening. This requires play, and own your ship your own on your ship. So refer back to play is the loop of life and ownership. And want to give you an example of that. So I was supervising I was supervising this female therapist and she was very anxious and actually she she shared something that she didn't therapy and something Wow, look at that. When she does that you do that we kind of stumble upon a defense mechanism. And she really got scared at night. And that made sense because she also grew up in an environment and she was in a marriage where any mistake was a disaster. And any fault you'd get, you'd get slammed on any fault that you showed. And then I said to her, let's reflect on that. And it took time and our supervision is slowly rewire her brain and create a potential state, we could explore and plan expand on her blind spots. Another example, is my daughter, my five year old daughter's super, super sweet, and she always kind of gets my eldest son in trouble. But she's always so innocent, sweet, and we never, you know, never suspected the other day. She purposely kind of teased him until you hit her and then he usually gets the punishment. And he did it and he fit the bait. And he hit her and he sent it to the room. But no, no, we find to kind of reprimand him and then I stayed with her and I said, like, is it possible that you were kind of teasing him kind of doing what you need to do in order for him to hit you? And in beginning she denied it, but Somebody said, It's fine. It's fine. Bring it. And then she owned her shit. She said, like this. And she meant like this. But then I said, No, no, it's okay. And let's go Say it. And that was the first time that she owned her shit that she actually admitted that she gets her brother in trouble. She's not just the victim. She's also she has this manipulative side. And you're laughing, you celebrated it. And it wasn't something that she was ashamed of. It was like, Wow, thank you so much for opening that. And I'm so excited about the possibility because if we can create a space in our families that falter, welcome, then our kids as adults will not be embarrassed by their own shit by their own shadow. They'll be able to talk about it to bring it to express it. And we spoke so many times about the advantages of ownership. So I'm not going to expand on that right now. So how do you do that? How do you create a space for faults? Welcome, first of all, share this episode with your partners. Then next reflectance core believe that my shadow or my faults are bad, or the people leave me if they find me, reflecting the core belief, try to soften that And then as you're living your life as you're in these relationships when you see or discover a new defense mechanism or a new shoe that you're hiding from your partner instead of hiding it or being shamed with take a second stay playful stay loving exercise we have this thing called be called ownership sparks where you prepared kind of a list of of the shit you do that usually deny a false they usually try to minimize and you slowly you slowly um confess them one by one like little little sparks. Remind yourself that you're not perfect in your partner's perfect and the truth is they probably know some of them anyways into it. They somehow implicitly intuitive some of your faults. Remind yourself that shadow faults are part of human life. And instead of hiding them, bring them so you can bring your full self.

And if you can kind of practice ownership sparks and your partner shares with you and you don't go Aha, you say Wow, thank you so much for owning that. Thank you so much for admitting that we're faults or little little ridiculous. behaviors are not being judged but celebrated. Over time, you're going to create an environment where there are no mistakes, or growth as an employee, it's more important than ego. Growth is more important than ego, which means you do not have to hide it, you can actually bring it because what's more important is that I know who I am, and start discovering my shadow, which also has my resources, then saving face than being always nice. And over time, you will feel it can be more yourself, you'll be encouraged to grow, and you will just feel yourself getting bigger and bigger. So create spaces where faults are not only welcome, they're celebrated and grow. My name is Dr. Assael. Romanelli, and this was the potential state. I'll see you next time. You've been listening to the potential state podcast.

For more information, visit us at potential state.com

and thank you for listening

Transcribed by https://otter.ai