The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Separate Judgement from Distinction.

May 25, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Separate Judgement from Distinction.
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Separate Judgement from Distinction.
May 25, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

You're a good person. You try not to judge people by their race, religion, sexual orientation, or other criteria.
But oftentimes trying to avoid judgment also means avoiding distinction. Distinction is crucial for your ability to understand and be empathetic to the other.
Avoiding distinction actually hurts your intimate relationships and lowers your ability to be empathetic to others.
In this talk I explain why morphing judgment and distinction hurts your relationship and how you can change that. Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical tips are given how to reclaim distinction and labels in a respectful, generative way in your relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

You're a good person. You try not to judge people by their race, religion, sexual orientation, or other criteria.
But oftentimes trying to avoid judgment also means avoiding distinction. Distinction is crucial for your ability to understand and be empathetic to the other.
Avoiding distinction actually hurts your intimate relationships and lowers your ability to be empathetic to others.
In this talk I explain why morphing judgment and distinction hurts your relationship and how you can change that. Examples are given from the clinic and my personal life.
Practical tips are given how to reclaim distinction and labels in a respectful, generative way in your relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

You're a good person, and you try not to judge people by their skin, their race, their religion, their gender orientation and more. But oftentimes, trying to avoid judgment also means avoiding distinction, and that actually hurts your intimate relationships and lowers your ability to be empathetic to others. Today, I'm going to tell you why and how to change that. Hi, my name is Dr. Assael. Romanelli, and this is a potential state and today we're in ownership 37 separate judgment from distinction. So judgment for me is a horizontal experience where there's an objective truth and I'm deciding what is better and what is worse, almost like a moral muscle putting a moral judgment there.

Okay, versus

distinction, which is a horizontal experience when I am distinct, I'm distinguishing I'm recognizing differences. Not that one's better than the other, but this is different. This is chairs and this is a table I'm distinguishing the differences between them.

Okay. And what happens in Western society,

we've kind of merged judgment with distinction, and both of them are together, and we try to eliminate that. So more progressive spaces, this leads to kind of two different they have two different options. If they're together then either I believe that my judgment is true. And every distinction I made that horizontal immunity comes vertical and then a judge. And then I think that whoever is different than me is less, or these people are worth more than these people are and the other extreme, I go extremely liberal and progressive, and I eliminate all labels, I eliminate all categories. The problem with that that goes against the way our brain works, our brain is hardwired to distinguish between hot and cold Friend or foe. Is this a table? Or is this a chair? I think it will here or they're going to go there. That's how we're hardwired. So when we're trying to eliminate certain language from our distinctive language, from our vocabulary, what we're actually doing is we're minimizing

our

ability to recognize differences between people. And at the end of the day, everyone is different. And if you don't have language to describe that or if it's not PC, or it's unacceptable to put people under categories to distinguish people under with labels and categories, Not to judge them. But to distinguish what happens is we end up just assuming this all because of their personalities. So we become much more judgment because everything I read in the personality, it's not because they're visual or kinesthetic, or their matches are mismatches. These are all labels and categories. Were like he's doing this because he's annoying, or because he hates it, when actually oftentimes there's another explanation for their behavior. It's called the way they see the world.

So actually reclaiming

labels, reclaiming categories, reclaiming distinction, what we're going to happen is we're going to actually, it's going to enable us to be more empathetic to the other because now I can understand, okay, so he's visual, he's a mismatch. That's how he sees the world. He's an extrovert or she's an introvert. So now I can slowly put them I put the labels and then I know where to judge them in order to better understand them. So in fact, I can judge the personality less and understand more how they see the world. And that actually helps us to better prepare and be more aware in our intimate relationships and when I allow myself not To have it in my own mind, but to verbalize that a few things happen. First of all, I can name it to tame it, I get it out of the way. Okay, he's an extrovert, let's just put it out there, I can stop feeling shame. Because a lot of the time there's shame for being judgmental, when actually that's how we work. It's happened so fast, it happens so fast, I can say it and get it out of the way. And then I can bring more of myself to the encounter because

there's less taboos I can recognize that there are differences

and reminding differences is not bad at differences is what makes us beautiful. This difference is what makes life interesting. I want to give two examples. So one is the professional context where I was once working, I was facilitating a workshop in a program and the first thing they said is, we're going to be a judgment free zone and a label free zone. And coming in as a therapist was trying to help them understand the group dynamics I said to them, but how are you gonna understand categories? How are you gonna stand differences? How can you distinguish into different roles people take in this group, the extreme of deleting all the assumptions and all of the labels and all of the categories lowered Their ability to talk deep, because everyone was so afraid of, you know, everyone's actually there's no intimacy, there was no crucible, there was no honesty, because you couldn't say anything because our language and reminding the language is all distinction. The second essay word, I'm not saying a different word. And another example is with our kids, once we started recognizing that our kids have sensory preferences, that my son tuff, for instance, is more kinesthetic, and what he needs, he needs more touch. So we labeled him we put them in a category, okay? We didn't judge them and say that's good or bad. We said, Okay. That's how he sees the world. That's how he experiences love. That's what he needs. In the second we could categorize that and we can distinguish that we could better attune to him to his needs as parents. And this category is really, really important. When you give another example I was supervising a therapist and realized that he he prefer he defaulted to high status, that's another category and check out the status episode. So we have to beginning he didn't want to be labeled because I people don't like to be labeled. Don't be in categories. But once we could categorize that we could recognize that difference that Him, we could actually help him and, you know, widen his communicational mastery.

So you want to grow and you need to

find out which category you are and then expand into that categories

are not bad. It's the judgment that is locking us down. So how can you do that? First of all, share this article with your partner, have a common language, then choose to believe the categories and distinguish distinctions and even labels actually help us to be less judgmental. Help us see the world more clearly. Help us be more empathetic, help us separate personality from the way this person sees the world. Often the way this person's brain is hardwired, okay. And then once we have that, and once we choose that soldier, it can introduce these kinds of distinctions inside your communication. Do it slowly, little bits from the one down position. Try to make sure and if you see that you're going into moral judgment for going vertical. Just say one second Oh, bah bah bah. I can sit down The verticals keep going to the horizontal, help your partner not going to the holy trinity of blocking not to get offended, insulted or surprised. Read about these different labels, some of them are in these episodes here. And then slowly, what you'll see is that you'll feel more and more free these these these categories, these labels, these distinct distinctions will be less and less loaded, there will be less shame, and less egg shelling. And first you have to feel comfortable with your own labels with your own categories, saying, for instance, I'm an extrovert, I'm kinesthetic, I'm a mismatch or all these labels don't limit who I am. These are just the way some of the ways I'm hardwired. So I be ashamed of that.

And the second, I can recognize that then I can come to others and I can say,

this is what I see in you. It doesn't mean that you're good or bad. That's just the way you're built. And that's the way I'm built. And if you can bring back reclaim distinction categories and labels, there's a chance there's a bigger chance we'll actually be less judgmental. Because at the end of the day, and I'm quoting Charles Darwin, if everyone were cast in the same mold, the world would have no such thing as beauty. And if you want to see more beauty, reclaim distinction. My name is Dr. Assael Romanelli and this was the potential state. I'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai