The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

OWNURSH!T 41 - What Kind of Sorry is This?

August 30, 2020 Galit Romanelli and Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 41 - What Kind of Sorry is This?
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
OWNURSH!T 41 - What Kind of Sorry is This?
Aug 30, 2020
Galit Romanelli and Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

We say sorry all the time (or not enough) in our intimate relationships.
But often we confuse between the different types of 'sorry' we use. This often leads to more conflict and stress than forgiveness and closeness.

In this talk, Galit and I share the four types of Sorry we've distilled in our life together, using examples from our life.
Practical tips will help you distinguish which sorry to use in different scenarios in your relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

We say sorry all the time (or not enough) in our intimate relationships.
But often we confuse between the different types of 'sorry' we use. This often leads to more conflict and stress than forgiveness and closeness.

In this talk, Galit and I share the four types of Sorry we've distilled in our life together, using examples from our life.
Practical tips will help you distinguish which sorry to use in different scenarios in your relationship.

www.potentialstate.com
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Speaker 1:

Is it too late now? No, it's not too late for the pain is which, sorry. Are you talking about, Ooh, there are different kinds of, sorry. Yes there is. And today we're going to tell you yes , there are. Yes . Sorry . Sorry. You are listening to the potential state podcast with your host, dr. Sail Romanelli. Hi, my name is dr. Cell Romanelli Romanelli. And today we're owning your shit 41. What kind of, sorry is this so we say, sorry, all the time. Wow. In certain cultures we say, sorry, all the time and certain cultures, we don't say, sorry enough. I remember living in London after two years. I used to say, sorry. So often I bumped into a chair and I said, sorry to the chair. And we also know gender talk with the gender aspect of it. Yes. Women more often than men say, sorry. And tend to apologize. Checkout , Tammy rice is sorry, not sorry, Jess. Not sorry. What's that? So basically with ideas and we overuse the word, sorry. And there's different meetings that Saturday and today we're going to once and for all clarify and categorize the different types of sorry, relationship . Exactly. So we recognize it . Four types of sorry. The first area is, sorry, sorry. Sorry. I didn't come home in time. Sorry that house isn't cleaned up for you master. And that's usually what passive aggressive insincere is actually aggression. I'm just think . Sorry. Sorry. And it's very dismissive also. It's like, whatever. Just get off my chest . Yeah . Sorry, what you were asking rediculus I'm going to say it a little bit slower and also a bit sarcastically as I'm jabbing. Sorry . There that's the first time which I see often in the clinic then the second time is this lowercase? Sorry. Sorry. Which basically means I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're feeling that way. That , that happened to you. That sucks. Yeah. Empathize. It's empathizing with the other . It's not anything that I necessarily did or that you necessarily did. It's just, I'm empathizing with you. It sounds like you've had a really rough experience or you experienced that. I'm sorry. It sucks . You know, at the grocery store. Exactly. And that's called report talk, check out the episodes that detergent, gender communication. The third type is capital S sorry, which basically means, sorry , I'm taking responsibility over my part of your experience. Sorry. I, it really sucks that, you know, the kids were making a lot of noise while you were working. Sorry. And that is what we call on your show. That wasn't a cuddle cause that was a small, that was it. Sorry to be like, sorry. We were like, sorry. I forgot. We made plans with you, your parents. Sorry. I forgot. Sorry is about me. It's about my owning my part in your dance. And that's slowly taking ownership about that. And also that prevents gaslighting, but also shows the partner that I'm taking I'm here. I'm with you. I'm on the court. Yeah. I'm owning my shit. I take responsibility. Exactly. And the last kind is sorry, which kind of like, it's a playful repair attempt to my way of saying it gets for the little things, right. Instead of like passive aggressive where it's just like, yeah, I did that. I'm sorry, but we can move on, you know, like, sorry, sorry. Like I know I did something that I shouldn't have done. Sorry. It wasn't intentional. I mean , how did that play into it? It's basically, it's what we call the repair to what God's called the repair of town , which kind of it's invitation to move on. Yes . So I want us to say a little bit what happens if there's too much of each kind, so too much of a, sorry , basically becomes aggression, aggression . That's going and get each other's beds . Check out the episode on emotional bids , too much of lower case , or if a gift just empathizing with you, but I'm not owning anything that just becomes insincere. I'm like, sorry, sorry, experiencing that. It's almost like a non part of this relationship. Like I'm on the, on the balcony. Me , sorry, experiencing that. So sorry . But where are like, why aren't you taking responsibility too much of capital S sorry. Becomes heavy. Yeah. Yeah. And also kind of like, victimy right. Sorry. I'm sorry that I did that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And that also kind of feeds it . This core belief of your pain equals my responsibility, which we spoke about in the episode of you're not responsible for your partner's feelings and too much of sorry if it keeps doing that again and again, it's just over time. If you're not owning your shit enough . And you're just doing that goes into that like dismissive category, but with like an overlay of, but it's fake play, it's like mocking. It's like, I'm not taking you seriously. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. You're not owning your shit. So how can you solve this? How can you work now? They know that the four types of, sorry, how can you better use, sorry in your relationships. So the first thing is share this episode with your partner, have a common language, but four types of sorry, then. Okay . Check out. Where are you land? Like, are you doing more like the, sorry , dismissive? Are you owning your shit more often? Are you doing like playful saris ? Like where are you in the categories or do you feel like you have a good balance and also check with your part of this would be a great exercise to do. And how, like, which saris do you see more out most often from your partner? Once you have that mapped out, it could be like a fun exercise for the week to like log it, like, Ooh , I said, sorry, four times this week. And you said, sorry, two times this week, it could be like a fun, little, sorry, exercise . What we recommend is start with capitalists are the ownership side , start with that, do baseline and owning your shit. As often as you can with capitalists . Always , once you got that, we recommend going to lowercase. Sorry. And then saying empathize, sorry. And then once you have that and you're going toward each other's bids and you feel like you've got it move over to the sorry. Cause that one really requires play and trust and like a positive attitude between the couples. I also think, again, it really depends on the situation. Like the sorry are for like the more little things, but like the heavy things, the big ones take the time to like reflect and see where you are before you come with a capitalist . Sorry, but definitely come with that. Sorry. Exactly. And when your partner says a capitalist, sorry, or sorry, go toward their bids , don't say aha. And grill them on it. Say great. Thanks. That's my mom . Exactly. Once you go over there, then that just , that's going to make your partner. I want to say capitalists , sorry, less. So is it too late to say? Sorry. Now also don't forget. The first to forgive is the happiest. This was Kelly Romanelli dress . I'll run potential state . Next time you've been listening to the potential state podcast for more information, visit us@potentialstate.com. And thank you for listening.