The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Sexual OWNURSH!T 2 - Mediocre (Maintenance) Sex Is Wonderful!

October 11, 2020 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Sexual OWNURSH!T 2 - Mediocre (Maintenance) Sex Is Wonderful!
Chapters
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Sexual OWNURSH!T 2 - Mediocre (Maintenance) Sex Is Wonderful!
Oct 11, 2020
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

The media puts a lot of pressure on us to have wonderful, multi-orgasm, wall-socket sex.
But in reality, in a committed long-term relationship, mediocre (maintenance) sex is inevitable.
This causes many couples (especially men) to avoid sex and even doubt their relationship.

In this talk, Galit and I unpack the truth about maintenance sex and share why it is crucial for happy relationships.
Practical tips will help you enjoy mediocre sex (while still aiming for great sex).

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources every week!
Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Show Notes Transcript

The media puts a lot of pressure on us to have wonderful, multi-orgasm, wall-socket sex.
But in reality, in a committed long-term relationship, mediocre (maintenance) sex is inevitable.
This causes many couples (especially men) to avoid sex and even doubt their relationship.

In this talk, Galit and I unpack the truth about maintenance sex and share why it is crucial for happy relationships.
Practical tips will help you enjoy mediocre sex (while still aiming for great sex).

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources every week!
Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXwdZhwQFgUcRQgZoI_L2Uw
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Support the show (https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=Q5AG6K7L8GYKA&source=url)

Speaker 1:

How are you doing? How was the sexy time? A few days ago? It was a mediocre mediocre, mediocre sex is wonderful. And today we're going to tell you why mediocre sex is wonderful and important.

Speaker 2:

You are listening to the potential state podcast with your host, dr. Russell Romanelli.

Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is dr. Romanelli Romanelli when sexual ownership to mediocre sex is wonderful. So there's a lot of pressure in the media to have wall socket, amazing sex. And if it's not amazing, you are a failure. Especially us men. We are learned that we have to satisfy the woman. And if she doesn't peak several times and we have not done our job properly and pressure on women to feel like, Oh, well, we have to orgasm. We can have multiple orgasms. We have to look a certain way. We have to be a certain way in bed. And the more men are watching porn, the more it's kind of warping their perception that every single time they have intercourse, it's amazing. But the pressure and this pressure, because mediocre sex is inevitable, sooner or later relationship, you're going to have maintenance, sex, and sex. That's what I call it. And when it happens a lot of times to see with couples there's shame, and then there's shame like, Oh, it wasn't the best. And then there's so many, there's this avoidance. Or you're like, Oh, that wasn't so good. Maybe we're not connected. Maybe it's not like, maybe it's indicative of where we are in the relationship. And you get all up in your head. And I think that kind of calling it what it is and laughing about it together even reduces a lot of the like buildup and stress that comes with sex, because it can't always be amazing. I can't always be, you know, well , socket sex, right. And mediocre sex. When you're focused on connection, it helps keep dopamine levels up. It maintains connection and touch and eye contact. It helps it helps couples a prevent the sex star of marriage, what shell Wiener Davis calls it. But also it helps connections. So when there's rough times and when there's tense . So it's like that in between, between helping connection, but also like releasing pressure. Exactly. And if you think about the idea of maintenance sex, the whole idea is that maintains a basic level of connection of touch of the poor . Because if not what happens, there's just this drift. I'm going to get one example from the clinic. A few years ago, I was working with a couple and because he felt that he had problems with his erection and he wasn't, he wasn't, he was shameful of his performances in bed. He avoided it and said, he went over to, he went to porn for years. They did just didn't have any sexual encounter that I want to say. I just finished reading Betty Dodson book, which is amazing sex for one, there's still much more in the repertoire. Like you can have so much more when you kind of open your mind and even masturbation next to each other. That's also a form of connection and sex that you can have and shared intimacy. And if we look at sex as much more than just kind of like, you know, with a very narrow and specific mindset of what sex is, but we look at it rather as an opportunity to connect with each other and share intimate moments. And that can also be intimate moments with ourselves that we're letting our partner watch and, you know, be an observant part of that. Cause for a lot of couples, I see it's either intercourse or nothing, right. There was a very narrow view of what it is. But if we open that repertoire and see it as an opportunity to just be intimate next to each other or with each other, then there's a lot more there that we can explore and then try it out. And I see for a lot of men because of that bar is so high, there's so much pressure. They rather avoid it. And then it's much easier to go to porn and to actually engage in , what's been said , then it just grows and grows. And then there's buildup and pressure when you finally do want to attempt. And then it's this whole kind of notion of like, who's going to initiate and how do you initiate? And there's Oh , conditions need to be perfect. And the conditions are never perfect. You're never actually now, now conditions are alive, especially if you're in lockdown with the kids and the Corona time . So how do you change this? How do you re embrace me and event and kind of bring back maintenance sex. So the first thing share this episode with your partner, have a common language, have a good laugh. Whenever you have made insects, you used to access maintenance, sex. I mean, over six is inevitable. It's even desirable because it's better than nothing. And then how you can even develop a code word for when you think it's going to happen or that's what you have the energy for, or kind of just assess each other. Right . Even after to like relieve the pressure of like, Oh my God, was it good? Was it not good? Like, are we okay? Just name it and then it's fine. And this is another really important lead said that before, like expand your perception of sex. Sex does not only have to be intercourse. It can be singular enjoyment, mutual masturbation. One of us, it can be just, I mean , you know , range exactly so much more to it. It can even just, you know, I think I'm starting to realize that sex is just, it's an opportunity to connect and be intimate with each other. But that doesn't mean that, you know, a certain set of things have to happen. If we can let go of all we have to orgasm, we have to come , we have to, you know, like just like, Oh, it's about just having a good time. And like spending that time together. Yeah. Maybe connection and sensuality together. Not everything has to be sexual can also just be central. Everything has to end in climax. Exactly. Now also it's okay to laugh. I find that a lot of couples like , like you can't laugh, you can laugh as it's happening afterwards. Like you can bring some good , sexy, playful. And especially for men, I find it like laughing during sex, you know , it'll take you out of the zone. No, it'll just maybe change the energy little bit and make things on the light and walk . It's all sex . Walk it, walk it wall sacks because you feel so connected, right? Like all these crazy like positions and gadgets and stuff. I feel like they were actually distractions from like the wheel , the real moment. And the real moment is like really connecting with your partner on a level that you don't get to do on like the , the routine day to day, especially when your parents. So that is the only place where you guys can really connect well, do a whole different episode. I think for sexuality as parents, you're still aiming for a wall socket sex, but in the meantime you have that maintenance sex, you have a mediocre sex is a valid, inevitable desire , or even sometimes cause maintenance sex is better than no sex. And I'm going to finish with Michelle . Peter Davis is suggesting, just do it just to do it, just to keep it in the system, just to keep the juices flowing, keep the connection, keep the touch. So this was Gillete Romanelli . This is dr . RSL Romanelli potential state . And you share with us what you think about mediocre sex. Yes .

Speaker 2:

You've been listening to the potential state podcast for more information, visit us@potentialstate.com . And thank you for listening.