The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships

Responsible or Playful? Yes!

June 29, 2020 Galit Romanelli and Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
The Potential State Podcast - Enriching Relationships
Responsible or Playful? Yes!
Show Notes Transcript

In each Eithor episode, we tackle a different core dichotomy that limits people's growth.

Most of us have a core belief that we can either be playful or responsible. We inherit this core belief from our families of origin and enact it in our lives. This either/or dichotomy (What we call an EITHOR - an internal golem that limits you) hurts your ability to grow and hurts your intimate relationships. In this talk Galit (my wife) and I explore how this EITHOR manifests and how to change it.
Examples are given from the clinic and our marriage.
Practical tips will help you soften this Eithor in your life today.

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Speaker 1:

Do you have a core belief that either you're responsible or your place are I do, and you can't be both.

Speaker 2:

I did. I wanna say I did. I did have that core belief

Speaker 1:

Today. We're gonna crack down on that EOR and we're gonna help youth integrate, play and responsibility integration.

Speaker 2:

It's all about integration. Those EOR , those separate thoughts. No, it's not either this or that. It can be both.

Speaker 3:

You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host, Dr . ASEL Romanelli .

Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is Dr . ESA Romanelli

Speaker 2:

And I'm Romanelli,

Speaker 1:

And this is the

Speaker 2:

Potential state.

Speaker 1:

And today we're continuing to in the EOR series and we're gonna be cracking today on responsible or

Speaker 2:

Playful. Yes, maybe.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. They can be both. So why do people have that split? And a lot of people have it , cuz a lot of people have , have discovered have this core belief that being big or being an adult means heavy, rigid, responsible , uh , and playfully is like,

Speaker 2:

Yes , silly, not serious. Um, just kind of like, you know, out there. So

Speaker 1:

For the people who wanna be out there in silly and playful, they're like, well I shy. I don't want , yeah,

Speaker 2:

I don't wanna , I don't want like heavy bureaucracy. I don't wanna do like mundane tasks. I wanna be like a free spirit.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. And that keeps them small and reactive and they don't move up. They don't take on bigger projects. They want that freedom, but they're actually limited they're glass ceiling. They're , they're hitting a glass ceiling of their own fear of being big. And that actually keeps them frustrated and small frustrated. Exactly. So I I'll

Speaker 2:

Well as somebody who has that core belief and who, the way it surfaced was that through an argument that we had because

Speaker 1:

I asked you to like do something or hold something .

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Um , I don't hold the bureaucracies. Like I don't hold the passports. We did an episode about that. I don't hold any of like the like paper or stuff, anything that has like a paper trail. I don't hold, I don't wanna hold any of it. And we had had an argument cuz the sale holds all of it and that's like really heavy stuff. Right? Like mortgage and finances and bills. And at some point I think he made a comment to me and I said, well, you want me to stay playful. Right. And that surface this either that I had that I was either responsible or I was playful. And then we began to kind of , um , dig a little bit and unpack that.

Speaker 1:

And then since we started talking about that, I started to see it also in the clinic. And I remember once I was supervising this therapist and she, she was very colorful and playful, but she kept being reactive. Like the clients kept leading her and I kept saying, why aren't you taking control? And then she, she , she said like, but if I take control, I'll be rigid and they'll think I'm heavy and I don't wanna be heavy. I wanna be playful and full of life. So once again, this either is more common than we think.

Speaker 2:

And it limits us. What's interesting though, is that since it has surfaced between us, I think one of the first steps to kind of unpacking it is seeing also where you don't have that either where you do take responsibility, right. Because we are at the end of the day, functioning adults in the world, I'm a functioning adult . I'd like to think I am at least so, so where are the places where I do integrate the two where I am responsible, but maintain my playfulness. Um , where

Speaker 1:

Did you get that either from where do you think that you got that? Either

Speaker 2:

From, I think I got that either from my family. Um, I was kind of always this silly, funny playful one that made the lighthearted jokes and my sister was much more the caring, responsible one , um, like really the go getter , um , GS D type. Um, and I was just like in my own little world, thanks to her.

Speaker 1:

And now what's happening as you're , as, as you're, as youing this you're trying you're you're , I'm seeing you kind of try to tackle, how do you stay responsible? How do you become big and playful?

Speaker 2:

How do I play responsibly?

Speaker 1:

Nice. So how do you play responsibility? How can you soften this either? First of all, share this episode with your partner. You probably have a partner that has similar core beliefs or complementary core beliefs reflect on this. If you have this core belief, if you have this either, what are you gaining? And what are you losing? How's that stopping you? How's that preventing you in your life? And then start small, take little projects and try to maintain a sense of play vitality, wonder silliness throughout that it's gonna be softening. It's like drops out of water on a rock . It's gonna take time. Yeah . To slowly rewire your brain. I

Speaker 2:

Think with play, especially play is like our bread and butter. And I think that the more I kind of dive into play and its benefits, I realize that it's really important to integrate the two and that through play you the , you know, you, you can achieve more and it doesn't have to, you know, be either this or that. But the integration like the creativity and the , the creative juices that flow together with responsibly can achieve incredible things. So it's how we really bring the two together.

Speaker 1:

And that connects to Stewart Brown's book play, where he says the opposite of work. The opposite of play is not work. The opposite of play is

Speaker 2:

Depression.

Speaker 1:

And he talks about play and work being together. You wanna be more creative. You wanna be more efficient, you wanna be more successful, right? You have to have play,

Speaker 2:

Right. You wanna be able to problem solve and solution. You have to have play. You have to have that kind of like, Ooh , the , you know, all the integration of the top brain, the upstairs downstairs brain, right left. You know, you have to bring it all together and play is actually what kind of runs through it all.

Speaker 1:

So is it responsible or is it playful? The answer is yes. Play responsibly. This was Goli Romanelli

Speaker 2:

And Dr . AEL Romanelli .

Speaker 1:

This was the potential state ,

Speaker 2:

The potential

Speaker 1:

State. We'll see you next day .

Speaker 3:

You've been listening to the potential state podcast for more information, visit us@potentialstate.com . And thank you for listening.