How to deal with "You're Too Much!" (Especially for Women)

Speaker 1: 0:00

Delete your a little bit too much.

Speaker 2: 0:02

What ? What's too much like am I too loud? Am I too passionate? Am my hair too big? Am I taking up too much

Speaker 1: 0:08

Space ? You're too angry and thats too much tone it

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Down . That's like the total

Speaker 1: 0:12

Tone

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It down. That's like the ultimate blocker

Speaker 1: 0:14

You get that allow that you're too much. If so today we are going to actually break that down in yourself . Yes . Why that happens and how to work with that?

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Yes, let's do it.

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You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host, Dr . AEL Romanelli.

Speaker 1: 0:36

Hi, my name is Dr . AEL Romanelli . I'm labor Romanelli . And this is the potential state it's today . We're gonna talk about your

Speaker 2: 0:42

Too . You're too much tone it down,

Speaker 1: 0:45

Especially for women. Yes. So why do women get this all the time? Women get this all the time. If you're too athletic, loud, tall, passionate, extroverted, athletic, loud, smart, knowledgeable. You'll be getting the label. You're too . You're too much . And why, why do women get this all the time?

Speaker 2: 1:00

Patriarchy. I don't. I mean, that's my answer.

Speaker 1: 1:03

<laugh> to everything. Yeah , because we have this expectation of women

Speaker 2: 1:06

Patriarch

Speaker 1: 1:07

Small, cute submissive. Think about the Eve Eve or less

Speaker 2: 1:10

E or yeah, obviously I wanna say for a moment that we're talking about massive generalizations and stereotypes and everything, but we do wanna bring this to the forefront and that's how we're going to bring it through generalizations and stereotypes. So we are aware, we know also you're aware, you know, great. Now we can move

Speaker 1: 1:28

On . So I , I , one woman said to me, I'm either smaller . I'm a. I have two options. Right. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and, and once they cross that line, if they get a little bit too much, you're seen as like, Ugh , is it lith ? It's something that's aggressive or threatening or too much.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Yeah. The split of even lith , right? Whether we're, we're , we're calm, we're nurturing, we're motherly, or we're passionate. We're seductive, we're sexual we're , um, consuming.

Speaker 1: 1:54

And that is basically also we have a core belief that men and women share. That's either I'm big and alone or I'm together and small. Yes . I can't be both. It's an either or right. And that, and the last time you get that is also another reason is because the system is threatened. If you get too powerful proof threatening to change the homeo status of the system, right . Sooner,

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Whatever that system is,

Speaker 1: 2:13

Right . Marriage little ,

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Yeah .

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Workplace,

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A relationship work

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Of origin,

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Patriarchy.

Speaker 1: 2:19

So you will be getting that, especially. And I find this a lot also, if, if the previous generation above your , if your mom or your grandmother was either too much or too little, there's gonna be some sort of like intergenerational. Oh, interesting. Like intergenerational you're too much. Mm . So the second these women get this, I'm also men, but we're gonna focus a bit more on women today. What happens when they internalize that they are too much, they are facing a lose lose , because either they say, okay, then I'm do

Speaker 2: 2:44

Okay . I'm too much. So I'll, I'll tone it down. I'll

Speaker 1: 2:46

Tone it down. I'll become a victim. A martyr I'll feel like,

Speaker 2: 2:49

Or, or, or I wanna say not necessarily victim martyr , just I'll tone it down. And then you don't enter your full potential, your full self.

Speaker 1: 2:57

But when you

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Say everything that you have to say, you don't take up as much space as you want to take. Because the message that you've been giving is it's too much tone it down a little

Speaker 1: 3:07

Bit. But when you do tone it down, you're doing it. Um, not in a happy way . You become the reason there's . So

Speaker 2: 3:15

I'll say that from my experience, I don't feel like I have, you know, that I, I have done it from a place of victimhood, but you know, I'm sure that I have received messages from various environments that tone it down. It's a little too much. And you know, you, you take that message upon yourself and you do quiet . It doesn't mean that I've, you know, not said what I have to say, but, but you, you become a

Speaker 1: 3:41

Little small . And when you become a little smaller and it's not because you want to become a little smaller, there is the resentments and the resentments becomes like this. It's like a thin line of bitterness, or you go for it, you decide , well, you know what , I'm too much you and screw it. I will be too much . And then you , you , you do yourself to a life of loneliness, especially single women as they're never

Speaker 2: 3:59

Mine and

Speaker 1: 3:59

You . Yeah . And you go for it and who cares? I don't care what people say anyways. And relationships are overrated. And I , I 20

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I don't need

Speaker 1: 4:05

Anybody. Exactly. So it's kind of , they go into these tooth paths for men. We're talking

Speaker 2: 4:09

About the extremes.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Exactly. Everything we're talking about, these extreme moments. Yeah . And then also for men, either they'll go to the grandiose will screw it. Then I will be too much. And

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I will be the biggest person in this moment . And

Speaker 1: 4:18

Then I will be alone . I

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Will show everybody that I know everything. I will not ask any questions. I will not do collaborations. I will not, you know, that kind of thing.

Speaker 1: 4:26

Or they'll also go to will never mind . And they minimize, but that minimizing yourself, not because you wanted , but because the system is, or because you feel like you're too much will never , uh , make you happy or content or positive because you're certain , there's a part of somebody's somebody's you feel like somebody's squeezing you and making you smaller. Mm . But let's talk about the shadow of that . Yeah . Let's talk about secondary gains. Why would people accept and agree to that? What's their secondary gains from believing they're too much.

Speaker 2: 4:53

Well, first of all, the closeness, right? Like you're either, you know, I think a lot of people share a core belief of, of you're either big and alone or you're small and together. Um, so, so there's that element of, of being close in being able to kind of be with, you know, be in the environment, be in the system. It's very challenging to disrupt the system. It's very challenging to be that voice that, you know, always argues and encounters . And , um, I'm finding that experience right now with a course, I'm taking, you know, where I'm, I'm challenging, I'm challenging the system . And I don't agree with everything that's being said. And it's very, it's a very difficult place to be in because you know, you're seen as the percu you're seen as threatening, you're seen as, you know, Ugh . And you yourself, it's very, it's tiring.

Speaker 1: 5:44

Scary . You get a lot of slack , you get a lot of pushback . Yeah . Another thing a secondary game is you actually remain a legend in your own mind . You don't have to actually go

Speaker 2: 5:51

For it. Yeah . You don't have to. Yeah, exactly. You don't have to go for it . You're like, oh, I could have been this like amazing, great superstar, but I chose to tone it down.

Speaker 1: 6:02

So , and they can always say because of them or because of him, I need to fill

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Myself. Yes . So much easier to put it on other people.

Speaker 1: 6:07

Exactly. And the last thing it prevents you from actually meeting your own ego and narcissism, whether it's healthy or ETH its much or too much. So you don't actually have a chance to confide yourself and grow. So , uh , for a lot of these , uh , people, especially women that I meet , I have this there's this it's almost like this ha they're like in Los that they don't know what to do. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:27

I came from crying the other day for my court . So I was like, oh my God, what am I up against? What am I doing? Why did I do this? I don't wanna do this because it's so much easier to just like, be like, oh , nevermind, I'm up against this like huge monster of a system. And rather than try to change it from within or, or, or soften it, I was like, oh , I'll just never mind . I'll turn the other way.

Speaker 1: 6:48

Or the other version, which I see a lot in the clinic will be single women who are very successful, very charismatic in their mid to late thirties. And they've kind of given up on the hope that they'll even find someone, right . There's just kinda this sadness

Speaker 2: 6:59

That success is too threatening. So nevermind. Forget .

Speaker 1: 7:01

Okay , so I'm gonna be alone. And then they have this, this core belief that I will never find someone who will celebrate me. I will never find a partner. And they're almost just like, they just , uh , like surrendered accept . Yeah. And there's like a kind of like, Ugh . So this can actually be changed. You can yeah . Soften that, that label, that core belief that you have on yourself. And how do you do that?

Speaker 2: 7:20

How do you do

Speaker 1: 7:20

That? Fairly reflecting that. Yeah . Reflect , do you think, is there a part of you or which part of you thinks that you're too much, right. Where did you learn that? Who taught you that? Where did , where did you internalize that?

Speaker 2: 7:29

And here, I wanna say that this something that I've really kind of been noticing and, and has been coming up in a lot of, of different kind of places , um, is that when we have something that's too much or too big, or when we start using language that has comparisons in it, then , then we are comparing and we're creating hierarchies. If someone's too much, then other people are too little. If someone's big, then someone's small . It's small .

Speaker 1: 7:56

It's on somebody's, that's scarcity, that's patriarchal

Speaker 2: 7:57

Scarcity, right . That's scarcity. And we , when we, when we start softening our language and the way we look at things and we realize that it's not a competition and I can be big. And me being big doesn't mean that someone else is small then will be able to, it won't be, it won't be threatening. It won't be threatening for us and won't be threatening for other people. And then hopefully we'll also be able to attract people with the same lens to, to , you know, to the world, to the environment. And we'll slowly be able to change.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Okay. So, but let's first, how do we do

Speaker 2: 8:28

That? How do we do that? Well, I said we soften our

Speaker 1: 8:30

Language. Okay . But let's , let's just break it down a little bit more.

Speaker 2: 8:33

Okay . I'm I'm taking too

Speaker 1: 8:34

Much. You're , you're a bit too much.

Speaker 2: 8:36

I'm going too all over the

Speaker 1: 8:38

Time too . And let's go back to what I was gonna say. So think with yourself, what are you gaining and what are you losing? Yeah . Do a chart for yourself. Check out your secondary gains and losses. You might have more gains and losses than perhaps it's not time to change .

Speaker 2: 8:49

It's still right . Maybe now, since

Speaker 1: 8:50

The time , maybe you don't wanna be lose threatening . Maybe

Speaker 2: 8:52

You're not ready. Maybe your environment. Isn't ready though. I also there wanna say your environment may never be ready. Exactly. And life is short, eat dessert first.

Speaker 1: 9:01

So if, if you are willing, if you do see that you have more losses than gains , or if you do make a decision that you're willing to soften this and go through that, cuz you only be around is through build yourself a cheerleading squad . Yes.

Speaker 2: 9:12

Find the people that celebrate your too muchness that

Speaker 1: 9:16

Are not threatened by your growth self .

Speaker 2: 9:17

Yeah . That are like, yeah, we love this too. Muchness, go for it. This is great.

Speaker 1: 9:22

And then as you start being too much, which is a falsity, right? Cause there's no too much. When you start being your full self,

Speaker 2: 9:28

When you start entering into your full self self . Yeah. That's what exactly

Speaker 1: 9:31

Expect . Don't be surprised and insulted or disappointed where certain relationships are gonna be getting more ruptures or certain relationships will be threatened. That is a natural part because you are growing, you are going into a second order change. And then in those moments, instead of saying , oh , they're not celibate . There are no applauses for this. Say, go for it. Right.

Speaker 2: 9:46

Oh, maybe I should tone it back down. So

Speaker 1: 9:49

You go back to your cheerleading. People that are not threatened, whether it's colleagues, friends, a therapist, a mentor , the

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Environments that celebrate

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That and lean there because they're gonna help you lean for your full self. You are never too much. You are just much. You are , you, you are you so are you too much never . This is Gill Romanelli .

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That's Drella Romanelli .

Speaker 1: 10:09

We're the , we'll see you . Next time .

Speaker 3: 10:13

You've been listening to the potential state podcast for more information, visit us@potentialstate.com And thank you for listening.