"It's not that important to me" - The sentence that will set you free

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I said,do you care if we have dinner at your parents this Friday?

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It's not that important to me.

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Okay.And what about SAS?Play date is like Monday better.

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It's so not important to me.

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Okay.And should I get a baguette for dinner tonight?What do you think?I can't

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Decide.It's not that important.Important to,so do you have,you know,that situation where your partner asks you something and you're like,it's just not that important to you,but

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You don't

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Admit it.Exactly.So today we're gonna finally once and for all talk about the eternal sentence.It is not that important to me and why you should be using it more in your relationships.

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You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host,Dr.Rael Romanelli.

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Hi,my name is Dr.Rael Romanelli.

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Hi,I'm delete Romanelli

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And we're the potential potential state.And if they're gonna talk about,it's not that important to me,the sentence that will set you free.So we were all scared of disappointing our partner.Mm.And I don't want her to get angry and I don't wanna have a fight

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Refer to the episode about disappointing.

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Exactly.And,and the,so what we do that we,so we smoke screen and we PL

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Play,we don't speak clearly or explicitly,we kind of tiptoe around what we're trying to say rather than just clearly saying,

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And then we're gonna lose,lose,because if she wants me,let's say for instance,if she really wants me to be involved with sucks play dates.So either,either I do it,even though I don't wanna do it,and then it it's halfassed and then it's like,Ugh.Or I don't like,

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You're not really involved

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Or I'm just avoiding it.And I'm like,yeah,yeah,I'll do it soon.

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Yeah,exactly.Yes,dear.While you're actually doing something completely different

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And that either avoiding or doing it begrudgingly,um,leads to heaviness,lack of

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Play resentment,

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Resentment,and tension.So what's the solution saying the following sentence.

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It's just not that important to me.

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And why do we recommend doing it?First of all,you own your.And you're saying your thing,you're saying your truth.Mm-hmm<affirmative>,which is your integrity.

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And you're speaking very clearly,very explicitly.And also,I wanna say,because in just a few minutes,I'll explain why I have a little bit of a hard time with this,but

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Caveat's

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Okay.Caveat.But,um,but I do wanna say that,that it releases,it releases the partner also from like this kind of like trying to get you involved.Like,do you,don't you like,it's very clear.It's very clear where stands and that's okay,that's fine.And I can move on and he can reserve his energy,exactly

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Safe energy.

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And I can,you know,pour my energy into the things that are important to me.And it's fine.We don't have to have the same things.Be important to

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Us,which is exactly point of differentiation.I'm basically saying that could be important for you,but it's not that important for me.It helps us raise differentiation and clarify where each one of us is standing.Yeah.It also releases energy.So don't get this stuck into mind reading or gaslighting.Right,right.Or

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Smokes.What I also like about,it's just not that important to me,which is something that the said has embraced fully recently.So we've had a lot of time to kind of play with it and extend our muscles.Is that,is that in a way it's a gift,right?Because if our energy is finite and we only have a certain amount of it,then isn't it great that we each find different things that are important to us and can bring that into the relationship.Right.If you look at it as like,oh,we're expanding our energy so that we can cover more areas of significance,importance,whatever,then that brings a richness,right?Like if we both care terribly about the same things,then we're very focused kind of in a narrow way almost.But if we can expand,

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We cover more bases,we

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Cover more bases.

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So,um,a quick example of how that looks in the clinic and what

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Does that,what look

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Like?Yes.So I,I was once working with a couple and she was very victim and she kept saying,she kept feeling like she needs to apologize to her husband and to her kids or the house is not that clean,even though it was not that important for her.So I finally said to her,let's try right now.Can you just utter the sentence?It's not that important to me.And she tried to,and she was like,oh,oh,oh,she,it was really hard for the say of the second.She said it,there was a release of energy and she laughed and her husband laughed.Yeah.Cause it's the truth.

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Wow.I think that's a really important,um,point,especially for,for women and mom.Yes.Because I think so many times,like it's like the household chores are on us and sometimes there are other priorities that we wanna get to,and it's not our number one priority and,or we just don't care.Like it's not,we're okay with having a messy house.And I think that there is something very empowering and liberating just being like,it's not a priority for me.It's not that important for me.And if for one of the partners,you know,tidiness and cleanliness is more important then like they need to show up there and be more present.

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And I think for us in that relationship for oftentimes I've been acting it out,things that are not that important to me or vice versa.

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Right.Can you help me like Hoover?You're like,I have to go do something.So like,whereas he can just be like,it's not that important to me.

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Okay.Do you want me to do it?I'm happy to do it,but it's not that important for me.So now I'm gonna give you a few tips,how to do this,first of all.

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Yeah.Because it's really hard.It's very hard to admit that like,cause in a way you feel like you're saying you are not that important to me,but there's a very big difference.Let's go there.There's a very big difference between you are not that important to me.And that's not that important to me.And I think that for couples,it's very hard to distinguish,right?

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Yes.And when they hear one,they the other

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Either you,so I'm just gonna tie in love languages for just one minute.But for as someone who their love languages,acts of service.Oh,if I say to,that's not important to me in terms of like an act of service that you would like me to do,would you feel like that's me saying,

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I think it would be disappointing in the sense,but I'd rather you say it and own it than say,oh it is,it is.It just didn't get to.And

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Also,and also that makes me think that then if I do do it,then it's like,wow.She's like really?She's she's watching the walk of like,she's filling my

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Love tank.Yeah.I'm filling my love tank.You're going consciously to fill my love tank.Mm.

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So I took you off script.

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So how do you,do you start small first practice in front of the mirror,especially women saying it's not that important to me.And notice I'm saying it's not that important or I didn't say it's not important at all.Right.It's not that important.Which means it's not as important as is for you.And,and that's fine,

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Right?Not the,you,

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It's not that important too.So let's all say it together.It's not that important,important to me,to me.Okay.Once you have that in the muscle,when it does happen,when it does occur,start with small things where you can say it a little bit playfully.Right.You can exaggerate it.Right.Talk about,um,uh,audio,playful,audio track.

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It's not that important to me or

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It's not that important to me in a second.

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Yeah.But that's like dramatic.I feel like you're just like,mm it's not that important to me.And you're also as like empowering your partners.Like you can make the decision,

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Right?Yes.And<laugh>whether you could do it smaller over the top,you're seeing your partner,this is playful.I'm not here to attack you.I'm not saying it should.It's I'm also not saying it shouldn't be important to you.And you know what you're saying?It's not important to me.Do you know

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What the benefit of saying,it's not that important to you for both partners go on,is that then there's no blame or guilt or like,right.Like if you say it's not that important to me and I make a decision on something that is important to me,you can't come back and be like,but why'd you do that?How,why,how,cause you removed

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Yourself even for feminist episode today,gal,it wasn't that important to you.Weren't really sure.And you said to me again and again,make a decision.Right.Right.And if you want,and then also agency for listener.Yeah.It's not everyone

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If you want it lead it.

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And when you're,when your partner,um,this is really important.Even if I say it's not that important,I can still do it.The fact that I'm saying it doesn't mean I'm exempt from doing it.It's important to you.I'm happy to do it.It's not that important to me.Right.Which is emotional love tank,emotional base,refer to those episodes.And the last thing as the listener,when your partner said that to you,don't get insulted.Don't do the holy thing.

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Read through it.See like where I'm a big believer and where it lands in your body.But you can also say,well,it's really important to me that you help me with this or that we do this together or that I think it really provides clarity on where I stand.Like sometimes.Great.It's not that important to you.Sababa.It's really important to me.So I'm gonna go ahead and do it.And sometimes it is important that we meet there and that we do it together.But at least then we can both get clear exactly on where we stand and how we're our intentions for whatever this is.

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And exactly.And that saves the smoke stream and the gas line.It releases a lot of to do.What's important for you.So in the beginning it might be shocking or scary,but over time you'll feel this freedom.Cuz love is freedom.So

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Yes,freedom of being like being able to be yourself

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That is

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Super and be authentic and expose,you know,all

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The sides and the second say your partner,it's not that important for me is she laughs.So she gives me a hug.That's an amazing experience.Beautiful,beautiful for all of you.So is wish to sprawl with you.So is that important for you?We don't know,but what's we do know is you should go and try it out.This was Elli and

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This is Dr.AEL Romanelli.We're

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The potential stay.We'll

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See you time.You've been listening to the potential state podcast For more information,visit us@potentialstate.com And thank you for listening.