Solving the problem is the problem.

Speaker 1: 0:00

I said , I have this feeling at home recently that every time I try to like discipline, I just get dismissed.

Speaker 2: 0:08

I know, I know exactly what you mean. I have a solution for you. Yeah. Let , just tell you what to do .

Speaker 1: 0:12

You know

Speaker 2: 0:13

Exactly what I mean to become much more strict, much more clear show. No weakness. Okay. I just solved your problem,

Speaker 1: 0:18

But I , I didn't, I didn't even like tell you the de like , I didn't explain

Speaker 2: 0:23

Anything. Don't even solving it here . I'm solving , you have a problem. I've solved it . If you got a problem, you I'll solve it. Check out the hook on my deja revolves it. I <laugh> do you know that dynamic when your partner shares something and you keep solving it, just solving their problems. Even if they didn't ask you report talk, that is called report talk. And today we're gonna talk about sometimes solving. The problem is the problem.

Speaker 3: 0:50

You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host, Dr . Rael Romanelli .

Speaker 2: 0:59

Hi, my name is Dr . Rael Romanelli

Speaker 1: 1:01

And I'm delete Romanelli. And this

Speaker 2: 1:03

Is the F and today we're gonna talk about solving problems sometimes is the problems. Yes. So refer to, to the talk about , um, inter gendered communication, which is reports talk, Deborah

Speaker 1: 1:15

Tans report talk versus rapport talk.

Speaker 2: 1:18

And there we , we spoke about the different ways that men, women communicate. Mm-hmm <affirmative> they wanna zoom in more on report talk, especially I see this in couples where there's a dynamic where one partner, usually it's the male in a heterosexual relationship is always solving the problems.

Speaker 1: 1:30

Yeah , he's the knower .

Speaker 2: 1:31

He's the knower . And then what happens is that , that

Speaker 1: 1:35

That rule kind of gets rigid, rigid, cemented, and then you're always the one that's fixing the problems. And I'm always the one that's coming with problems.

Speaker 2: 1:42

And if also though , this is between siblings, eldest , uh , siblings sometimes always feel like they need to solve everybody else's problems,

Speaker 1: 1:49

Part of

Speaker 2: 1:50

Take care of , or their younger siblings.

Speaker 1: 1:51

Interesting.

Speaker 2: 1:52

And why, why do people do this? Why , why , why especially do men do it? Cause we have some secondary gains. The first thing is I don't have to feel your pain. Right? I can just always push it out . Cause I'm just

Speaker 1: 2:00

Solving it . Yeah . By solving it. You're not even letting me, like

Speaker 2: 2:03

I

Speaker 1: 2:03

Don't express it or be there exactly . You don't need to contain it.

Speaker 2: 2:07

I don't need to contain it and gives me a sort of a one up . And I feel important to feel worthy. And I feel like I know stuff. Yeah. And I , in the cast two as lower than me as somebody that needs me,

Speaker 1: 2:16

Right. 95, 70

Speaker 2: 2:17

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Is there an episode that they

Speaker 2: 2:19

Can see ? There's always an episode about that, but what's the price I pay. What's the price people pay. What's the price of being the seller ? Lack

Speaker 1: 2:25

Of intimacy because slowly nobody, if, if I have something that's troubling me or bothering me or upsetting me, there's only so many times I'm gonna wanna come and share it with someone who's gonna make me feel even smaller about myself. So eventually I'll stop sharing with you and I'll look for other outlets where I can share

Speaker 2: 2:42

Another my feelings and , and my secondary loss will be, I'm slowly gonna be lonely at the top because if I'm always knowing, I can't get , say , I don't know.

Speaker 1: 2:49

And not just that, but if you always need to know, you don't have an outlet for your struggles and your pain and your frustration.

Speaker 2: 2:57

It's true. And I , and I don't grow. Right. Because the knowers always feel like they need to know. And then if I don't know, I need to I'm like

Speaker 1: 3:03

Pretend or

Speaker 2: 3:04

Like pretend or turn whatever you're saying. It's something that I'm lecturing. You're basically lecturing all day. And that is heavy. Yeah . I'll give you one example. I have a very good friend who's by the way, the eldest son and every time I talk to him, he, he solves problems. Even if I don't have a problem.

Speaker 1: 3:19

Right. Even if he was just calling to like, share about your

Speaker 2: 3:22

Day . Yeah. So he is like, oh, let me give you some advice on that. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:24

Here's a tip.

Speaker 2: 3:26

Yeah . Give a the time it's annoying. It's annoying. When I told him this, he suddenly realized he shared with me, like, it's true. He , nobody ever asks him, how's he doing? Right. How's he feeling? What's ING with him. That's

Speaker 1: 3:35

Sad. Yeah. That it is . That's really lonely. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:38

And I think also I see this a lot in couples where the man is, I mean , he learned from a varying age that he needs to solve his wife's problems. And then all the time, he doesn't want to hear her, her pain because he's swamp as this .

Speaker 1: 3:49

I know like really? Yeah. And also there's like a lot of pressure there , right? If you have to like fix everything and have a solution for everything that's heavy, that's really heavy and exhausting. And there's a lot of pressure there. I had an interesting incident this week where a friend of mine called and she shared an experience. And then I asked her, I said, do you want me to, to report talk and like, come with some solutions or do you want me to report talk and just kind of like, be your cheerleader and just be there with you.

Speaker 2: 4:16

What did she choose?

Speaker 1: 4:18

She said that I'm always her cheerleader. And she knows that. And so she chose rapport talk. <laugh> so curious to know what my solutions were.

Speaker 2: 4:25

So how do you step out of this dynamic? So first of all, share this, talk with your partner and friend with that

Speaker 1: 4:30

Is and start noticing what , where you lean. Like, are you more a fixer? Are you more into like, these are the solutions. This is how I, you know, this is how I help you by fixing things.

Speaker 2: 4:41

And if you are sorry. No, it's okay. And if you are doing that reflect, where do you learn that? What do you gain? What do you lose?

Speaker 1: 4:48

Are there people that you're not like that with? Yes . Are there certain people that you are exclusively like that

Speaker 2: 4:52

With? Do you feel like you need to know in certain relationships, in certain interactions also as a parent, right ? As a parent, we always wanna fix problems, but sometimes we don't have to fix our kids' problems.

Speaker 1: 5:00

Right. We just need to like, listen, Cry with them that you didn't open the banana in the right way. You can't fix it . Anyway , there , our kids are like the best teachers for this kind of stuff. I just have to say, that's a great, that's a , that's like a great example. Right? You can't fix the banana that you peeled the wrong way, whatever that means. Especially with like toddlers, you just have to be there with them. Like they're frustrated that the world is different and they, you know, know nothing. So just like be there with

Speaker 2: 5:30

Them . And as parents, you always think that we have to have all the solutions and the answers and if not, yeah . Like you

Speaker 1: 5:35

Have to solve . That is a really good example. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

Speaker 2: 5:38

So what happens? So we'll maybe do a different talk about that. But what I wanna say is like, what happens when, so, so what, how can you work on the , on the , on the , the tendency to always solve problems? So next time your partner shares something, you can simply ask, like you did, right?

Speaker 1: 5:53

Like, how do you want me? How do you want me to show up?

Speaker 2: 5:55

Yeah . You can just take a breath, first of all, let it land. Yeah . And you have the urge to fix this . There's this , wait , you can even say loud, say it loud. Like ,

Speaker 1: 6:02

I don't need to fix this. Yeah .

Speaker 2: 6:03

I don't need fix this. Like I wanna start fixing it , but no , I'm not really sure what you need. Right . What do you need ? How do you want me here? Right.

Speaker 1: 6:08

I'm here. How can I help? Yes.

Speaker 2: 6:10

Yeah. Hashtag frozen too .

Speaker 1: 6:12

Hashtag frozen too. Um, yeah. And the other thing is also also the person who's sharing can kind of think for a minute and, and kind of give a heads up . Sometimes I do this with you, right . Where I'm like, I don't need you to fix this. I just want to share what happened today. I just want you to know what my day looked like. You don't need to fix it. You don't need to give me advice. Just need to like be in this moment with me.

Speaker 2: 6:36

When I teach this to couples a lot of times like, well , I don't wanna tell him. He should know, but how

Speaker 1: 6:40

No

Speaker 2: 6:41

Enough with that.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Plus I wanna say something about that, because I think that there's importance in sharing for yourself. In other words, I think that when we speak our emotions and experiences out loud, there's a , something happens in our body. I, there , I don't , I , I can't explain it, but I just know. So trust me that like, there's a release, right? There's like an energetic release. Yes . When we express something and we can kind of be liberated from like either tense, feelings or frustration. And also we can like share happiness and joy. Right. It doesn't have to just be negative, but it's important to share, not just for like you to hear about me, but also for me to,

Speaker 2: 7:25

To yourself. Yeah . To make it , to grow, to regulate yourself through saying it out loud. Yeah. And one last thing about what happens when your partner does solve your problems, even when you don't want it. So if I come to delete and I'm sharing a thing, a pain or a dilemma, and she immediately comes to solve it, I can take a breath. I don't retreat get angry. Don't do the holy Trinity of blocking. But what I can do is I can say, wow, that's really interesting, but do you know how that feels?

Speaker 1: 7:50

Do you

Speaker 2: 7:50

Also

Speaker 1: 7:51

Have a dilemma? Yeah. Right. You can, you can invite kind of empathy. And you can say like, how, you know, have you experienced something like this similarly in the past, like thank you for the solutions that you're offering, but have you, can you share a moment where you experience something similar to this and then you'll connect on that emotion. You'll be there together.

Speaker 2: 8:13

And that I had an action insight when you were saying that is, if I, if I'm in a relationship and my partner constantly solving my problems, I'm gonna be busy most of the time, deflecting those solutions saying no, that's right .

Speaker 1: 8:25

Totally. You're like, oh , because yeah's annoying because yeah. And that's not necessarily what we

Speaker 2: 8:30

Want. And then, and the second they solve it . So they're casting me as somebody who who's less than them . And then I have to fight back. So I'm like, no, that's wrong. That's wrong. And then you're spending a lot of energy and

Speaker 1: 8:38

It's like, oh, it's not exactly it doesn't fit. Exactly. Like the whole, yeah. It's, it's like a missed moment.

Speaker 2: 8:43

It's a missed moment. Mm . So stop solving your partner's problems. Start listening, go to report talk instead of report to talk,

Speaker 1: 8:54

Just, I think the most important thing is to have movement between, you know, that is exactly, it's just the movement. It's just the movement . You need to be able to move between both. So this was Goro mane . This is DRAL Romanelli and we are the potential seat . See , next time . Bye .

Speaker 3: 9:14

You've been listening to the potential state podcast For more information, visit us@potentialstate.com . And thank you for listening.