Many of us insist that feedback be precise or else they won't consider it.
Yet often this precision serves more as a block, a defense mechanism that prevents our growth.
In this talk, I share how people use precision as a sophisticated defense mechanism to keep them safe and prevent pain. Through examples from the clinic, I show the losses of this mechanism and how to allow yourself to "lower your standards" in order to accept influence.
Practical tips will help you let more things land and grow.
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Are you one of those people that when given feedback, constructive feedback, you're like, that's not precise or that's not really precise, or that's not exactly what I meant, or you don't understand me. If you were your partner doing that, then you are blocking your own growth . And today I'm gonna tell you how to change thatSpeaker 2:
You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host, Dr . ASEL Romanelli.Speaker 1:
Hi, my name is Dr . ASEL Romanelli, and this is the potential state. And today we're gonna talk about, is this precision or is this control? So I get this all the time in the clinic. I wanna confront someone or when I try to stretch someone or challenge someone, they say to me, well, that's not really precise. That's not really what it meant. You don't really understand me. Now often, obviously there are moments when that is true, but if you see if this is a pattern happening over time, especially when it's also happening between partners again and again, and again, there's a high probability that is actually blocking. Blocking is what we say improv. When you're not accepting what the partner's saying now, why do we do that? Because we want a sense of control. I don't wanna just let anything in. And that's really, really important, but the problem is what happens when we over when we are , when we try to be over precise and we use precision as actually a sophisticated way of blocking our partner's feedback. So first of all, it , it , it prevents play, cuz everything needs to be precise. You know, I get this all the time. Once a woman said to me, you didn't plate it correctly for me to accept, even though she did agree with a general sentiment. So by focusing all the time on the specificities for it to kind of pass through censorship, to get into the other person, there's no play there. It's exhausting. And then what happens is eventually just people don't wanna try to offer anymore . They don't bid anymore because it has to be super precise or else they're not, you're not gonna accept it. It's not gonna land at the end of the day. It prevents you from growing. Why? Because your partner has a high probability of seeing your blind spots. And if you keep shooting them down because it's not precise or it's not exactly how you see it, of course, it's not gonna way you see it. Refer back to the episode on your brain is your bodyguard. Because if it was precise, you would've known it already. But when somebody's giving you something, a new that's stretching, of course, it's not gonna be precise. And I wanna give just two examples. I used to work with this woman and she kept saying, EV almost every sentence. She was like, that's not precise. That's not precise. And it took us like a few sessions to realize, wait, I noticed, do you notice that almost everything I say, you say, it's not precise. Can we try something a bit different? Do you notice that? And what was really evident is she's been in a relationship where she kept feeling not seen and she had to block, but the only way she could block her partner's feedback was by saying, it's not precise cuz she couldn't confront and say that's wrong. Or another couple when I said to her something about their marriage and she said , um , I really don't agree with it. I'm really insulted by the way you said that that was not really precise. But then later when actually as we softened it and I stated it with her and we actually said, and then her husband said, no, that's actually, I , I agree with that. That's how I see it as well. And we , and there was a kind of a relaxation into that. And then she could say, yeah, I agree with it. But I guess the way you said in the beginning initially was wrong. And I think that is a , that's an example of me sticking around, even though it wasn't a hundred percent precise, it wasn't even 90% precise, but if she could lower the precision, lower their control and let that feedback in, she could, she had new insight in their relationships. So how do you soften? How do you become more open without letting go completely of your standards? So the first thing is reflect, show us episodes and see, are , are you the type of person or is you part of the type of person that shoots down valid feedback? Just because it's not precise enough or the language or the plating of it is not exactly the way you want. If it is so lower your standards. I say this in the clinic all the time, go from a 99% precision to a 69 precision. And just the other day I was in a session and I said something about, I told , um , the husband that right now he's blinding himself to his wife's pain. And he's like, that's not precise. And I said, can you take a second lower the precision to 69%? And it was really fast. And second he did. He lowered it and he was like, yeah, I get it. And you see that's a classic example. If he did not lower his precision level, I know that sounds weird almost counter-cultural lawyer standards, but if you actually lowered it and you , and you let it land refer to let it land episodes, you're actually gonna feel. And there's a high probability that you have a blind spot, but only once you drop it in the body, you'll actually know, oh wow , it's true. I am blinding myself. And that's just a one example of how his, his hiding behind his precision was actually way of blocking. And then when you do see it , when you do get that feedback, even if you wanna say, that's not precise , just playfully, let it land, see how it lands, trust your body to be your polygraph. And just let that kind of go over there. Choose curiosity, a choose to see interactions as a sloppy improvisational endeavor. And if relationships are slack , that means tons of things are not gonna be precise. But the fact that I'm precise, it's not mean that you , they shouldn't be entertained or at least listened to. And then at the end say the thing, if, if you do, if somebody says something to you're like, that's not precise. I wanna give an example. I was doing a webinar with elite a few months ago and the second it was over, she, she gave me some constructive feedback, how I wasn't listening to her and how I said this and that. And my first intuition to say, ah , that's so not right. I did thi it's not precise. I was gonna correct her on all these little things, but at the end of the day, it didn't matter. So I tried just breathing and I was gonna get defense about it , just, I, I breathed through it and it wasn't that precise, but the second I let it in, I realized she had a really valid point and I could have shot it down with her first few statements on the precision. But once I lowered my standards and let it in, or let's say lowered my control, I let that end . And when you're , when you do get this from your partner where they keep saying, it's not precise, it's not precise. Hold on to yourself. Don't retreat , don't get insulted, don't get angry, ask them to stay , stay open. And sometimes what I suggest you can do is say, let's just entertain this. Let's just take this as an intellectual exercise. Like sometimes I'll say this to couples say, okay, it's not a hundred percent precise, but let's just play with this for a little bit. And basically what I want them to do is linger with a thought linger with a thought long enough so it's can , can drop a little bit. And oftentimes you'll see that if it's, if it's not precise and if it's wrong, your body will say it's wrong. But oftentimes if you let it give it just a little bit, it might actually learn differently. And remember that connection is more important than precision. And I'm reminding us a sentence. You can be right, or you can be in a relationship, which one do you choose? So soften a little bit of precision and let things land. I'm Dr . Elli , and this was the potential state. I'll see you. Next time.Speaker 2:
You've been listening to the potential state podcast For more information, visit firstname.lastname@example.org. And thank you for listening.