And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy blue and the man in the moon "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when" But we'll get together then, dad We're gonna have a good time then...
Mothers and fathers feel different kinds of guilt regarding their parenting. Kids grow up fast and we have so many things to do all the time. Times are even more challenging during COVID lock-down.
Therefore, the guilt is almost inevitable, but there is hope. You can move from guilt to gratitude. But first, you must name it to tame it.
In this talk, Assael shares his guilt and the best practices he's found to reduce them. Galit shares her guilt experience as a m.other who is with the kids 24/7 in lock-down.
Together they help parents of all sorts, move from past to future, from regret and shame to learning and growth.
There's . I feel a lot of guilt when I'm not with the kids. I know you. I know. And , um , this is really killing me sometimes.
Speaker 2:
Wow. That's
Speaker 1:
Intense. Yeah. Is it? Mm , is that dramatic a little, do you feel a lot of guilt?
Speaker 2:
I'm not, not in the same places that you feel guilt.
Speaker 1:
And today we're gonna talk about guilt and parenting.
Speaker 3:
You are listening to the potential state podcast With your host.
Speaker 1:
Hi, my name is Dr . Elle Romanelli and
Speaker 2:
I'm Gallet
Speaker 1:
Romanelli, and this is the potential state . And today we're gonna be talking about how to feel less guilt in your parenting.
Speaker 2:
Hmm . It's a big one.
Speaker 1:
So my dad , my , my dad , my dad would sing to me, would mention to me the song cats in the cradle, which is all about a father. Who's too busy to play with his young kid and the kid grows up. And when the father finally wants to play with the kid, the kid's too busy to see him. And that prophecy has been haunting me and been stuck in my mind. And at least for me, I'll speak from my perspective. And you'll share from your perspective, the second the kids are born any single every time that not with them, there's like I should be with them because these years are gonna pass. Cuz one day they'll be angry. Teenagers that don't wanna spend time with me. And older parents will always say, savor these moments.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. They're like, it'll go by like
Speaker 1:
That, this , and , and
Speaker 2:
I'm still snapping away
Speaker 1:
And it's not moving . But for me , this field , especially lockdown , when I'm in the clinic and deletes with the kids, I have this guilt that's hovering over me in the past . And the , and recently I've been trying to find ways to kind of soften that guilt. And maybe I'll share a little bit of my experience from guilt and then we'll hear from you. Sure. So this is what I've discovered. That helps me feel less guilt when I am not with my kids. So the first thing is I'm asking myself and I'm telling them, is this more ? Is this bigger than me? If what I'm doing right now is this serving others. And Adler says, the meaning of life is to serve others. If I'm doing something that's helping other people, that's making the world a better place. That is a worthy thing. And that, that is why also I recommend to say this to your kids, to verbalize this, to help them see the impact of the things you are doing. It helps them see that you are not with them , not just because you don't wanna be with them , but cuz you're doing other things that are important for you. And the other thing is, is this something that's helping me fulfill myself and this making me grow and challenge and excited and passionate. I remember my dad , um , sang barbershop every single week for 40 years. And I knew that that week was for him sacred. And it was, it was wonderful to see him finding his bliss and being in his bliss. And I think if you can communicate, you're calling assuming that, you know it, if you know, it's fulfilling, you verbalize this. And I remember a few years ago I was flying to the states for a workshop and SA was like, why are you going said, cause this is my calling. And then he said, well, being a, father's also your calling. And I was like, Ugh , but except for the , ah , it was like, yes, but now he knows. He knows that this is something that makes me happy. Mm . This is something that I'm doing that helps me feel complete, whole powerful, connected, whatever that is. And especially if it's also something that's connected to , um, finances, something that you're, you're , you're also bringing in income and stability and , and safety and security to your family that is also worthy. So if you can hold these things in your mind and also communicate them to your kids, I have found that that is something that is gonna help you feel less guilt. Hmm .
Speaker 2:
I have to say that from my perspective , um, a lot of what you say resonates. And I think that as mothers, we kind of take on a lot of guilt , um, right from the start. I always joke that like, you know, we, we get our babies and we get a good healthy dose of guilt alongside it. And um, and sometimes we take on guilt that isn't even ours and we, we assume guilt for things that we have no control over. And I actually think that , um, as mothers, we, we kind of need to really look at past experiences, take the lessons that we need from those experiences that will help us grow , um, as parents, as mothers and then discard the rest and the feelings of guilt just kind of really keep us rigid and kind of stuck in the past rather than moving forward. And the other thing I wanna say is that a lot of mothers feel , um , a lot of guilt when they are not in service of when, when they're in service of themselves nice rather than others. And so actually for, for mothers, I wanna say that , um, you, that , that we don't need to, we don't need to feel guilt for self-care and for taking care of ourselves and for putting ourselves first. Um, and so that's kind of one place that I, that I feel slightly different to you because I think, I think that as mothers, we are in constant service of others and that it is okay to stop and take time for ourselves and be in touch with our needs and what we need in order to bring our best selves. Um, and kind of this guilt surrounding, you know, constantly being in service of others and guilt surrounding taking time for ourselves is not, is not helpful and keeps us , um , resentful or exhausted or burnt out and kind of on edge. Whereas if we can realize that like self care has to be a priority, we have to put ourselves first so that we can be more present, be more affectionate and fill up our, our surrounding our , our , our family's cups, our love tank needs to be full. And so I , I really wanna kind of say, especially in times, like now I've lockdown in Corona and, and intensity that like find what you need to feel good and go there with without, you know, guilt. And , um, I think one of the ways to do that is to really realize like, kind of , um, like we say, in , in Hebrew <inaudible> right. Like , uh , in kind yeah. In paradoxically is that like you are self caring so that you can be in service of others
Speaker 1:
Self-care is not selfish.
Speaker 2:
Right. Exactly. Self-care, isn't selfish. Thank you. And also, I wanna say that one thing that I'm really working on is kind of moving from guilt to gratitude and realizing, you know, with, with certain experiences that I feel guilty about, well, what, what can I be , what can I feel grateful for? Um , in that experience. Um, and so for instance, like I have guilt surrounding, or I had guilt surrounding the fact that I wasn't able to exclusively breastfeed my son. Um, there was a lot of feelings of guilt and shame there, and it was a journey, but now I feel really grateful. I feel grateful that, you know, I live in a country where there's clean water and where are formula is accessible and that I could afford it. And that it sent me on a journey to find my calling and to help other mothers. And so I think that when we are able to kind of shift and move from the feelings of guilt, to feelings of gratitude and empowerment, we're on our way for, for a more secure feeling. And then we're able to, to really be present and there for the people around us.
Speaker 1:
So for coming back to the cats in the cradle, if when you get older and your kid doesn't wanna play with you and you're instead of feeling good, you look back and say, well, I did these things, whether it's whether I took care of myself or whether I was serving others, that is something that's gonna help you feel less guilt and more joy, more openness, more connection, more integrity. Yeah . More calm. So go out there aligned, aligned. That was Gil Romanelli.
Speaker 2:
Dr . IEL Romanelli .
Speaker 1:
This was the potential state . We'll see you. Next time .
Speaker 3:
You've been listening to the potential state podcast For more information, visit us@potentialstate.com . Thanks for listening.