Are you a drama queen (or king)? Are you in a relationship with a drama queen? (Truth is that men are the real drama queens.) If so, you probably know how draining and annoying it is interacting with such 'royalty'.
But the systemic truth is: You are encouraging them. Yes, there is no drama queen/king without an audience. Underneath such drama, there is usually a cry for attention or a 'love tank' that is empty. Are you looking beyond the queenship drama to see what is the deeper bid?
In this talk, we explore this dynamic through examples in our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften such dynamic and help both of you feel more seen and valued.
But here's the thing next to every drama queen.There's an audience.And today we're gonna help you deal with the drama Queens in your life.Maybe you're one of them.Wait,
Speaker 2:
Which one of us is the drama queen.
Speaker 1:
Exactly.
Speaker 3:
You are listening to the potential state podcast With your hosts,Dr.ASEL and Goro,man.
Speaker 1:
Hi,my name's Dr.Several man and
Speaker 2:
I'm Elli
Speaker 1:
And this is the potential state.And today we're gonna talk about there's no drama queen without an audience.Boom.So we all know the drama queen,right?It's the person in the relationship or in your team or in your group of friends,that's always over dramatic.
Speaker 2:
Yes.Or just dramatic.
Speaker 1:
And a lot of times people are thinking linear.They're thinking,well,it's just that person.Everyone's like,Ugh,rolling their eyes.Or like,why do they keep doing it?Why do they always have to be the center of attention?But when we think systemic,when we realize
Speaker 2:
That we all play in the dance,exactly,we kind of,we give them the platform.Exactly.We give them the stage,
Speaker 1:
Just like two kids will fight more next to their parents when there's an audience,when there's no audience,they don't fights and here's thing.So systemic thing next to every drama queen,somebody needs to be looking at the drama queen,giving her what we call negative for attention.Negative attention comes from,um,Alfred Adler who talks about positive attention in child.Veering is hugs,kisses,warmth,compliments.But if a child can't get positive attention,they're gonna go for negative attention,which is scolding,punishments,yelling,even hitting.And what happens in the drama Queens are people that gotten used to getting negative attention.Mm.
Speaker 2:
Their love tank is empty.
Speaker 1:
Exactly.And you can reference the episode on love and on love tanks on love
Speaker 2:
Languages.Their love tank is empty and they don't know how to request attention in a positive way.And so they go to the drama and acting it out.
Speaker 1:
So I've realized on myself that I am the drama queen in this relationship.And how does that,how does that play out?
Speaker 2:
My twist that you thought it was me
Speaker 1:
Is that I get insulted a lot by things like elite said.So I get insulted.So when men and I realize men are the real drama Queens and the way we get insulted,but I'm like,oh,well usually just,we'll usually just be getting grumpy,get upset,you know,withdraw,withdraw.And then Gil obviously say,ah,what's
Speaker 2:
Wrong?What happened?Where'd you go?Where are you?What are you thinking about?
Speaker 1:
And then we get,we get more and more attention.And you see that's the way that the partner feeds the drama queen feeds this behavior,right?That's called positive reinforcement,ask Pavlo.I'm not just a dog.
Speaker 2:
<laugh>so what can we do?How can we,how can we give the drama queen the attention without kind of being sucked into this dance where there's like a lot of energy that is just being thrown all over the place rather than being channeled in a productive nice regulated way.
Speaker 1:
So the first thing to share this episode with your partner first,have a,have a systemic view on this,realize that you are part of this,whether you're the drama queen or the drama king,or you're the court,or you're the audience of that.
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And also it might change.
Speaker 1:
Right?
Speaker 2:
And then
Speaker 1:
It might shift.It might shift.So the first thing you wanna ask especi,let's say you're the audience,right.Is to think before you get triggered and roll your eyes or reprimand,or do drama,say,wait,what's,what's going on.What's
Speaker 2:
What could this be about?
Speaker 1:
What is this about?Is the love tank empty?And
Speaker 2:
Even before that play be playful,right?Like be playful about it.Be like,oh,here's the drama queen again.Or like,oh,I see that maybe your love tank is a little empty
Speaker 1:
Or if you're getting triggered,like we said,in the insult,I can say,oh my God,I'm so insulted.Like,
Speaker 2:
That's what I said.I've been doing lately.
Speaker 1:
When I realize I'm going into drama,I just make it a little bit of a show.So I can soften that.
Speaker 2:
He makes the drama playful and a humorful.Is that a word I don't know.
Speaker 1:
And the other thing you can do is when you are,if you are the drama queen or the drama king in your relationship,learn to ask,learn,to ask for positive attention,whether it's,I don't feel seen,I need a hug.I need you just to listen to me.I feel like you're only talking to the kids and you're not seeing me.I see this a lot with men.We're not so good at asking for attention because it looks pathetic.Mm.So instead will act out and become,do a,do a drama.And I same thing with women,if they feel invisible,if they feel unheard or unseen
Speaker 2:
Unappreciated.Yes.
Speaker 1:
So it's really about learning to use positive language and recognizing that reference also the love languages episode and learn what fills your love tank up.And the more you have your love tank is full.Yes.Then you'll have less need of going to the negative attention to going to the drama of it.And plus,last thing it's not so bad to have some drama.It's great to have drama if you're playing it together.Yeah.If it's playful,if you're sharing the stage,if,if it's more of a balanced flow,
Speaker 2:
Right.And if you're playful about it,in other words,not taking it too personally,not kind of having it spiral into this big conflict.But I think that if we're able,like you said,to kind of recognize like,okay,what's up?Where is this really coming from?And not take it from like,um,a personal stabbing jabbing kind of place,but rather like,oh,how can I,what is the emotional bid here that I've missed that I need to kind of go towards
Speaker 1:
And check out the episode on emotional bits.So remember the next,every drama queen or king,there's an audience and you can do it differently
Speaker 2:
And don't be a drag.Just be a queen lady.God who got it.Right.
Speaker 1:
This was ly Romanelli.This
Speaker 2:
Is Dr.AEL Romanelli.We're the potential.
Speaker 1:
Let's see.Next.
Speaker 3:
You've been listening to the potential state podcast For more information,visit us@potentialstate.com.Thanks for listening.